#1
Just randomly felt like writing a story. Wrote something which I feel is a prologue. Check it out and lemme know what you think, whether its about the language or content. Thanks!

And there he lay, under the beast he once rode. He took it all in, the saltiness of the blood, the pulsating of the waves and the warmth of the sun. A death worthy of a king, he remembered, as he watched the Crown thrown into the sea. He learnt from a young age, all Kings find their way to the same terminus. The waves will guide them, but not before the fire has stripped all material possessions and only the ash is left to absorb the water’s essence. Then it finally arrived, the sharp pang of pain he had been expecting, but it came much too soon. Only bitter without the sweet.

He took out the spear as every cell in him only wanted to push it further to quicken the end. It is a sin to take your own life, but is it a sin to willingly give yourself up on a golden platter. And so he was, his golden armor punctured. He could feel the cool blowing stinging at the wound, and the screams of pain started to come back. Never before had the king laid his eyes on a red beach, yet there he was. The soldiers slain in battle, the indecisive being hanged and the dying too near the end to writhe in agony. The pain only served to remind him that this was real.

They will sing this song for years to come, but only of the betrayal and not of the good he provided to the realm. Such is tragedy and so the songs end the same; a fade to black and an ode to grey.

He wanted his life to flash in front of him, but all he could think of was her. That cold summer night she appeared to him, naked, glowing and alluring. She was unlike any other woman he had laid eyes on; her hips wide and ready to birth him a child, her breasts full enough to nurture all the children he had and the lips he could kiss for an eternity. As she walked upto him, he could only watch in awe as the light bounced off of her voluptuous figure. No mortal moved with such a grace. Her kind had come back, but sooner than the prophecy stated.

He felt an intense heat radiating from her as she gently caressed his face. He could smell the roses and jasmines around his bath. He could smell her; that other-worldly scent of which no mortal could describe. The room darkened as the candles had given away and only the moon poured any remaining light. He knew his duty, above other duties. “Now it begins” she whispered into his ear as he caressed her, and his five senses took in all of her. As she rode him, he felt the fire of life inside her and it beat in rhythm with his heart. She kissed him softly on his neck and whispered the prophecy in a language long forgotten and rarely understood, but every word spoke of truth and the truth has power in this world. He was invigorated and his blood boiled. His seed floated into her and with that he awoke. There was no trace of her, but he could still feel what it was like inside of her and did not let go. Out in the forest, not a soul bore witness to what had just occurred, but before the next thought, there it appeared in a blinding flash of light, the Gem that was pledged, suspended above the water, glittering majestically and begging to be caught.

Destiny beckoned and so he did reach for it. As his skin came into contact he felt a burst of power as he had never felt before. The magic that died long ago is now reincarnated and the world would know. The clouds parted, as the meteors revealed themselves, spreading the dust of the old world known as Jarion.

And there he lay, under the beast he once rode as he watched his brother stare into the Gem he pulled out of the crown, searching for an answer. The world caught its breath, and the only sound made was the crash of the waves against the bodies, shields and spears. So the king did the same until he noticed the shimmer of the Gem. Then he knew, a new destiny awaited Vasyvia; one that accounted for his untimely demise and it was all in vain. He was not going where the other kings did, the songs will erase him and what was once bright will be as dark as night. His brother grabbed the spear the King pulled out for life’s sake from his ruined body and hovered over him. “Now it begins” and as he thrust, the King’s eyes lost the focus of the tip.
Last edited by rayven1lk at Jun 23, 2013,
#2
tl;dr
Quote by Trowzaa
I wish I was American.

~ A Rolling Potato Gathers No Moss ~
#3
Quote by rayven1lk
“Now it begins” and as he thrust, the King’s eyes lost the focus of the tip.


ok.
you're a stone fox
#6
hold up what just fucking happened
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You win. I'm done here.
#7
I didn't read it all, but I have to point out that no blood I've ever tasted was salty. That man probably seeds to see a doctor.
Quote by Trowzaa
I wish I was American.

~ A Rolling Potato Gathers No Moss ~
#8
Quote by eGraham
I didn't read it all, but I have to point out that no blood I've ever tasted was salty. That man probably seeds to see a doctor.


Are you a vampyr?
Last edited by rayven1lk at Jun 22, 2013,
#9
There is some good stuff, some stuff that doesn't make sense, some stuff that seems disjointed and contradictory and some stuff that seems like you're trying too hard.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



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You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#11
Quote by ChemicalFire
There is some good stuff, some stuff that doesn't make sense, some stuff that seems disjointed and contradictory and some stuff that seems like you're trying too hard.


Hey thanks for the feedback, would u mind giving me specific examples plox
#13
The whole thing is pretty bad. I'm not saying that to be an asshole, it's just not very good. If this is the first thing you've written, then it's pretty average. You just need more practice.

Quote by rayven1lk
Are you a vampyr?

You've never tasted your own blood? It tastes very iron-y.
#14
Quote by rayven1lk

He felt an intense heat radiating from her as she gently caressed his face.


Would you say she was... moist?
#15
I couldn't really read the first few lines. Quit trying to be so profound in your language. I can't tell if this is the narrator or the character. Grammatical errors. Capitalization where it isn't needed. You keep using these flowery words but you aren't even using them correctly. Words are not decoration, they are a function. If you use a word, there needs to be a reason. It could be connotation, the syllables, rhyme, whatever. I can tell that most of these words were put in to sound fancy.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#17
Quote by BladeSlinger
I couldn't really read the first few lines. Quit trying to be so profound in your language. I can't tell if this is the narrator or the character. Grammatical errors. Capitalization where it isn't needed. You keep using these flowery words but you aren't even using them correctly. Words are not decoration, they are a function. If you use a word, there needs to be a reason. It could be connotation, the syllables, rhyme, whatever. I can tell that most of these words were put in to sound fancy.


Yeah I was worried about it coming as trying to sound profound. I'll take a look through it and try to change some things. Thanks for pointing it out
#19
Quote by rayven1lk
Yeah I was worried about it coming as trying to sound profound. I'll take a look through it and try to change some things. Thanks for pointing it out

I couldn't actually get past the first few lines so I can't comment on the rest. Just stop trying to write big. Just write.


And EDIT. Edit the shit out of everything, especially before showing it to people. There were quite a few errors just in what I read.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#20
But I already read game of thrones

And shouldn't he be thinking that it's a death worthy of a king, not remembering?
Last edited by RealUnrealRob at Jun 23, 2013,
#21
The important thing, TS, is to keep at it. Putting your work out there for others to criticize will often turn people off the craft all together. But writing, like any skill, improves with practice. So, keep at it.
#22
He lay under the beast he once rode. He took in the saltiness of blood, pulsing of waves, the warmth of sun. A death worthy of a king. As he watched the crown thrown into the sea, he remembered; All kings find their way to the same end. The waves will guide them, but not before the fire has stripped them and only ash is left to the water. Finally, the sharp pang he had been expecting, but much too soon.
Quick edit. That's pretty much a story right there. If you want to get a more epic feel, you need to model it after epics. If you're going more Fantasy then stop using words you clearly don't quite understand. You can't afford close enough in a short story. Every word must count.

^I've found that letting people tear you apart pretty often is one of the best ways of improving, so long as it's helpful and not derogatory. I keep meaning to edit my story from class. I have about 12 copies of it that were marked up by classmates.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at Jun 23, 2013,
#23
Quote by BladeSlinger

^I've found that letting people tear you apart pretty often is one of the best ways of improving, so long as it's helpful and not derogatory. I keep meaning to edit my story from class. I have about 12 copies of it that were marked up by classmates.

Oh, I agree. It's the best way to improve. But what I was trying to say is that when most people hear their work get criticized, they immediately think that they're a terrible writer and that they might as well give up. I was just trying to tell TS to not get too down on himself and remember that practice makes perfect, for any skill.
#24
Quote by metal4eva_22
Oh, I agree. It's the best way to improve. But what I was trying to say is that when most people hear their work get criticized, they immediately think that they're a terrible writer and that they might as well give up. I was just trying to tell TS to not get too down on himself and remember that practice makes perfect, for any skill.

Oh yea, definitely. That's why I'm not a good writer. I can be alright if I have time but I just don't put time into it .
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#26
Needs more cowbell.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#28
Wow, that is kind of weird.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#29
Eh, it's probably fine if he uses and maintains a really old school medieval-ish character viewpoint. Like, something close to David Gemmell for instance.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.