the things that make me ashamed of being ashamed of being a metalhead

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#1
don't get me wrong, i love metalhair as much as life itself. most metalheads i've met have the most beautiful and amazing hair i've had the pleasure of coming across in my life. especially when you're in a mosh pit, it seems like such an awful odoriferous place, but if you get knocked on your ass, there'll be two or three people with the most luscious and ambrosial smelling hair.

but the problems i have, is how flat, pungent, reeking, and dull some of them style their hair. it's like, if you like or don't like a certain type of hair product, to them, you're either: not a true hair connoisseur you're a "fag", or, you should kill yourself. i mean, in my own personal opinions, there's hair that i like, and hair that i don't like. if you do not like the hair i like, that's fine. if you like hair that i don't like, that's fine, as well.

that's one thing i've noticed with some metalhair styles, they absolutely despise any sort of careful maintenance at all! for example, justin bieber. now, i'm personally not a fan of his music, but he can condition and style his hair, and he's what, 19, a millionaire, and dating selena gomez? you've at least got to have some form of respect for him to date someone with such dull, platitudinous locks.

i'm sure for most of us, our mothers taught us how to tame a devilish cowlick. why is it so hard for us to brush our hair, instead, we go on and make others feel like absolute garbage about what products they put in their hair. i generally try to have respect for every hairstyle, and the amount of work they put into their daily maintenance, with the exception of dreadlocks , fauxhawk douches who don't style their own hair, and every rapper who solely raps about braiding hair, going to salons, and gossiping about everyone else's hair. now, i can't find it in myself to respect said exceptions, but i will not go out and ridicule people who do not know the difference between conditioner and shampoo!

i've honestly been under the impression that if you come in contact with another metalhead, they're in a sense, your hairstylist and greatest critic of your hair routine. but with all the douchebags with too long sideburns, and the Guy Fieris with their shitty highlights and sphincter appearance out there, they've been slowly polluting the mind of the general public about the true nature of split ends, which are not cool or earthy and sexy, and which, most of us should know already.

in retrospect, the lack of respect among the people who ought to know how to maintain a good mop on their heads (not true beauticians), is rapidly increasing at a terrifying rate. but, i mean, this whole argument can be said about most people out there today who buy generic brand hair products. kids in today's society are filthy and covered in dandruff on their black t-shirts, and i'm truly ashamed of being born into the '90s douche generation, and scared of what society is going to look like in 20 years, after all these ignorant, disrespectful kids have grown up and realized how greasy, unkempt, and generally uncool their hair is.

TL;DR: Shut up.
Quote by Senor Kristian
Viking fact no. 1: Viking helmets did not have horn.
Viking fact no. 2: Vikings tobogganed on their shields into battle.
Viking fact no. 3: Vikings drank mead.
Viking fact no. 4: One of your ancestors are likely to have been raped by a viking.
#3
Seriously, all conditioner does is hide your false hair by making you think that it is mended, but we all know that underneath that facade your hair is poseur ghey.
Quote by Senor Kristian
Viking fact no. 1: Viking helmets did not have horn.
Viking fact no. 2: Vikings tobogganed on their shields into battle.
Viking fact no. 3: Vikings drank mead.
Viking fact no. 4: One of your ancestors are likely to have been raped by a viking.
#5
But this begs the question is bald/shaved a form of metalhair? Or an absence? I mean Kerry King and Dallas Toler-Wade are pretty ****ing metal.
last.fm
"the waves have now a redder glow..."
#7
Bald is the manliest of manly. If you choose to shave it all off when you have a luscious mane, then this is the ultimate screw you to nature and its plans. If are losing your hair and you choose to shave it, then you show fortitude and courage by accepting your face.

*If you're born hairless and hence bald, then you have cast off all evolutionary vestiges to our primordial brotherhood. You are a visionary and a leader among men.
Quote by Senor Kristian
Viking fact no. 1: Viking helmets did not have horn.
Viking fact no. 2: Vikings tobogganed on their shields into battle.
Viking fact no. 3: Vikings drank mead.
Viking fact no. 4: One of your ancestors are likely to have been raped by a viking.
#8
Personally... I like to condition my pubic hair too... only trve kvlt metalheads do this. Also, if your hair is any color other than pitch black... you are dead to me.

Quote by Stranglehold
He swallowed black nail polish and shat the word 'motherfucker' onto a non-metal kid. Rad.

Quote by severed-metal
You can dress a woman slutty, but she's not a slut. Understand?

living inside a drop only to die in an ocean
#9
double edit: this thread is awesome.
Listen. I'm sorry.
Last edited by vilk at Jul 2, 2013,
#10
Quote by rg_metal
Also, if your hair is any color other than pitch black... you are Dead to me.
There are many who wish they could be Dead, now you went and gave them false identity.

I’m not the man I used to be, I... I can’t go back to Arkham.

I... I should return to Arkham.


Among the churchyard’s mouldering stones I recognise a name – my own.
I have come home to Arkham.

#11
It's twice now I've been banned and come back to find this forum has become even more ******ed and confusing.

EDIT: What the cuntsuck? Retard is censored now?
#12
Quote by Butt Rayge
It's twice now I've been banned and come back to find this forum has become even more ******ed and confusing.

EDIT: What the cuntsuck? Retard is censored now?
hahaha it's pretty funny that this happened. And I'll tell you why.

So, I viewed this thread and read this, and decided to make the comment that 'this thread is either hilarious or ******ed', then saw that ******ed was censored and made a similar comment as you have.

Then I go back and see that there is another thread with the exact same title where this 12 year old nutsack crybaby whined about metal heads being rude and talked about justin beiber and christ I don't even know what he was thinking.

Anyway, this thread is a parody of that thread. It's set up structurally the same and the sentences just have changed to be about hair instead of metalheads being rude. The other thread was just full of people flaming the TS so I imagine it was deleted. But this is unfortunate because I had made an equally as funny post where I quoted the OP and deleted random words and sentences so that he sounded ridiculous and ambiguously gay.

So yeah. But censuring the word ******ed? That's ****ed.
Listen. I'm sorry.
Last edited by vilk at Jul 2, 2013,
#14
Quote by Kepulix
There are many who wish they could be Dead, now you went and gave them false identity.


If dead didn't use conditioner on his pubic hair... then he is false.

FALSE DON'T ENTRY

Quote by Stranglehold
He swallowed black nail polish and shat the word 'motherfucker' onto a non-metal kid. Rad.

Quote by severed-metal
You can dress a woman slutty, but she's not a slut. Understand?

living inside a drop only to die in an ocean
#15
Dead's hair looks incredibly luscious. Bet you he was a Head & Shoulders sort of cunt.
Quote by ChemicalFire
The point of underground bands is their not popular or famous most of the time. Thus there is a good chance they suck.
#16
Dead & Shoulders

Quote by Stranglehold
He swallowed black nail polish and shat the word 'motherfucker' onto a non-metal kid. Rad.

Quote by severed-metal
You can dress a woman slutty, but she's not a slut. Understand?

living inside a drop only to die in an ocean
#17
I really appreciate the fact that Infester took the time to write a song about people with motor neurone diseases dedicated to the upkeep of their hair despite their debilitating handicap, called Braided into Palsy.
Quote by duncang
maybe it's because i secrely agree that tracedin inymballsackistheb best album ever


he's got the fire and the fury,
at his command
well you don't have to worry,
if you hold onto jesus' hand
#18
Quote by ctfod
I really appreciate the fact that Infester took the time to write a song about people with motor neurone diseases dedicated to the upkeep of their hair despite their debilitating handicap, called Braided into Palsy.

I was just skipping to the bottom of the page, not actively reading and I read that last bit as Bradded into Paisley.


Quote by vilk
lotsa werdz

Ah, got it.
#19
There was a tangent of metalhair responses to the original thread here, all of which were very original and interesting, some quite funny as well. However I think he was poking fun at JustALameKid -- who originally started this topic in the previous slot. Which btw, I though was an extremely hilarious version!

As far a JustAAlmeKid goes, he went entirely too far with it with his second rendition, and therefore deserved this mock topic, and the thread that originally kicked this off, but he did get much worse btw too. Thanks The Virtuoso.
Metalmarcs
#20
Quote by ctfod
I really appreciate the fact that Infester took the time to write a song about people with motor neurone diseases dedicated to the upkeep of their hair despite their debilitating handicap, called Braided into Palsy.


This is too good to go without recognition.

Bravo you beautiful man.
A heathen, conceivably
but not,

I hope,
I’m not ashamed to be white
Vi doede ikke... vi har aldri levd
Barbarism is the natural state of mankind
Civilization is unnatural

It is a whim of circumstance
an unenlightened one
#21
I forgot about that, but it was pretty awesome.
Quote by Senor Kristian
Viking fact no. 1: Viking helmets did not have horn.
Viking fact no. 2: Vikings tobogganed on their shields into battle.
Viking fact no. 3: Vikings drank mead.
Viking fact no. 4: One of your ancestors are likely to have been raped by a viking.
#23
Quote by Ramseus
well this forum sure went off the deep end :P

Time to bring back HMS?
#24
Well not all of us can have a full lion's mane like good ol' Marten Hagström.



Me, I've got stringy straight hair like Thordendal.



Now that I've cut my hair, I look more like this:



Only brunette.
#25
Quote by Butt Rayge
I go on internet forums to complain about reading

you don't say...
Listen. I'm sorry.
#28
Quote by technicolour
too bad the faces under that hair usually look like prepubescent boys.


I don't care what they look like as long as they have functional brains, which very few people in this society do!

The metal situation has improved since Phil (Pantera) moved on to other things.
#29
Quote by deathmetalcult
I don't care what they look like as long as they have functional brains, which very few people in this society do!

The metal situation has improved since Phil (Pantera) moved on to other things.


The whole band should have been gunned down, not just Dime. There, I said it.
#30
I agree.

Pantera are over rated.

And anyone who thinks that playing a riff for 5 minutes over and over again (and any band that lets him a member do that) needs to be ridiculed and not praised.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#31
Quote by ChemicalFire
I agree.

Pantera are over rated.

And anyone who thinks that playing a riff for 5 minutes over and over again (and any band that lets him a member do that) needs to be ridiculed and not praised.


Well, hold it for a second. The topic of this thread is about hair, right? So what about Dime's hair? Is it metal or what?

ron666
#32
Quote by ron666
Well, hold it for a second. The topic of this thread is about hair, right? So what about Dime's hair? Is it metal or what?

ron666


No.
#34
I though a "Cowlick" is when I perform oral on a fat chick? It's pretty brutal that your mom taught you. Thats a whole new level of "cowlicking."
Last edited by Fastiticalon at Jul 15, 2013,
#35
Quote by ron666
Well, hold it for a second. The topic of this thread is about hair, right? So what about Dime's hair? Is it metal or what?

ron666

I missed you ron666
Quote by duncang
maybe it's because i secrely agree that tracedin inymballsackistheb best album ever


he's got the fire and the fury,
at his command
well you don't have to worry,
if you hold onto jesus' hand
#36
Quote by ron666
Well, hold it for a second. The topic of this thread is about hair, right? So what about Dime's hair? Is it metal or what?

ron666


You're back!

How've you been, Ron?
Quote by justinb904
im more of a social godzilla than chameleon

Quote by MetalMessiah665
Alright, I'll give them a try, Japanese Black Speed rarely disappoints.

Quote by azzemojo
Hmm judging from your pic you'd fit in more with a fat busted tribute.
#37
I sold out and cut mine short and grew facial hair like 90s Metallica years ago.

I'm now going to summarize your post in the style of celebrity gossip sites in order to the make the reading experience easier on others.

Quote by Excerpt from recent interview with
i've had the pleasure of coming across [...] your ass

but the problem i have, is [...] flat, pungent, reeking, and dull

[...]

you're a "fag", you should kill yourself. i mean, in my own personal opinion

justin bieber. now, i'm personally [...] a fan of his music, [...] you've at least got to have some form of respect for him

i'm sure for most of us, our mothers taught us how to tame a [...] cow


kids in today's society are filthy and covered in dandruff
Metal Forum Popular Vote Winner!!!

Quote by webbtje
Quote by dead-fish
And you're obviously here because you fancy Phill.
Phill is a very attractive guy...

"I'm so tempted to sig that, Phill" - Sig it then

Unless otherwise stated, assume everything I say is in my opinion.
Last edited by Phill-Rock at Jul 15, 2013,
#38
I don't use conditioner. The main reason I'm growing my hair out is because I don't feel like dealing with it or cutting it. I'm just letting my hair do its own thing. I have thick messy stoner hair and I'm ok with it. Most metalheads I know with long hair don't give a single **** about maintaining it let alone using any hair products. Just let your natural oils go. Don't walk around with disgusting greasy hair but don't wash it everyday or put bullshit in it. It's healthier to let it be.

I think my hair looks pretty similar to mikael from opeth actually.
Last edited by darksatan666lol at Jul 16, 2013,
#39
I switched over from Jbebin it to pony tails and hair tucked behind my ears once again and I have been getting straight compliments over the more complex hairstyles I used to wear.

I think the older you get the more ridiculous the across the forehead shit looks lol, I get told that I go from looking 15 to 25 when I pull my hair back and keep it straight.

You are also plain ******ed if you think that Jbebes is a millionaire and smashing Selena Gomez because of his haircut. It's the babyface and producers you nub.

I have never met a metalhead who has gone off on a man about what hair products they suspect they use, when I was a 13 year old whiny atheist metalhead who didn't brush my teeth or my hair I didn't give a shit or know anything about haircare lol. The description of these weirdos you are talking about sounds more like some breed of hillbilly homosexual lol.
Last edited by garden of grey at Jul 24, 2013,
#40
Why is this thread still alive!?! And when the hell did Garden of Grey and Phil-Rock show back up? I haven't seen you guys post here in a long time.

I guess this is turning into a legitimate hair thread. So, do you prefer hair down, or hair pulled back in a ponytail? This is assuming that you have hair long enough to pull back in a ponytail. I almost always pull it back, because it always gets in my face, mouth, etc. Hair should only come down when you're headbanging.
Quote by Senor Kristian
Viking fact no. 1: Viking helmets did not have horn.
Viking fact no. 2: Vikings tobogganed on their shields into battle.
Viking fact no. 3: Vikings drank mead.
Viking fact no. 4: One of your ancestors are likely to have been raped by a viking.
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