#1
Do you remember when I was young
You said I was the one to blame
For all the pain you caused me
And all the things that I became

So this is why I need to ask you
To set me free just like you want to
And never try and take me back again

Do you remember who I am
And all we did together
All the times we fought side by side

Tonight I ask you
To take back all of the things that you said
All of the things that you did
Take them back and then I'll forgive you
And take back all of the times that you lied
All of the times that I cried
Take it back tonight
I need you to take it back tonight

All I remember from when I was young
Was how I wanted you to know
There's nothing more than I could give to you
And time apart has made me stronger

So this is why I need to ask you
To set me free just like you want to
And never try and take me back again

Do you remember who I am
And all we did together
All the times we fought side by side

Tonight I ask you
To take back all of the things that you said
All of the things that you did
Take them back and then I'll forgive you
And take back all of the times that you lied
All of the times that I cried
Take it back tonight
I need you to take it back tonight

Audio here: https://soundcloud.com/theremovables/take-it-back

And C4C, obviously. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.
Last edited by TJ1991 at Aug 2, 2013,
#3
Ahh, broken link, So I gots no song to listen to. Well. . .

I can tell that there is a lot of emotion here, and speaks of genuine pain, however I see a complete lack of personality here, and what I mean by that is that there is nothing written in here about yourself that makes it any different than anybody else in the same situation.

This complete lack of what I would call colorful personal detail makes this somewhat of a chore to read, without any reward for having done so.

What we have is a situation rather than a story, and you job is that of a story teller.

Basically;

Do you remember who I am
And all we did together
All the times we fought side by side


I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you did together.
I don't about this either.

This is what you need to show.

Hope this may help, I'm afraid it's hard to judge songs that are just lyrics.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
Thanks for the tips, much appreciated! The song's about quite a touchy subject for me, and I guess I'm struggling to get the personal aspect out due to struggling to come to terms with it. I'm working on it though, so thanks for the feedback.

I've also updated the link in the opening post if you want to listen to the song
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.