#1
Would love some feedback on the lyrics I've written for my band's new song. The flow is going to be hard to get, mostly because we have screams in our songs along with clean vocals, so feel free to critique on just the lyrical content/word usage/etc.

Far From You

This is my tragedy
Life taken in a single breath
It's such a calamity
Whispered worded buried six feet in the ground

To never see you again is a fate
That no one can comprehend
My mistakes tear away at my sanity
But it's too late to take them all back

I buried a part of myself that day
That i was forced to say farewell
A piece of my soul that's turned black as coal
How will I ever find release

When I raise my head
To gaze at where you use to be
I remember that like long ago, I'm all alone
And nothing can set me free

Nine months of conception
Has birthed a downtrodden state of mind
Wrestling demons that laugh at my struggles
To rise above my plight

I've fallen
The warmth of your love is just a memory
So far from you
Your warmth torn away without a reason

I've fallen
Trying to rebuild a sense of serenity
A deer in headlights has shaped my vision
I've lost my way without your glow

I haven't lost sight
Your dreams of what I can be
I'll give everything inside
Through love I can find
The path you've laid out before me

Somewhere inside the mind of a broken man
There lies a fight
But without your sight
A step towards right can feel so wrong

I've fallen
So far from you
But everyday is a way
I can show you

I've fallen
Eight words
You'll find
I'll love you til the day I day

You're bringing me down
Feelings for you still linger
In my dreams
It seems
That moving on gives you no meaning

You're bringing me down
I won't forget the gleaming
In your eyes as you cried
And said goodbye to me as I was sleeping
Last edited by jbridge90 at Jul 22, 2013,
#2
Some really good stuff in there. I think your shorter stanzas are really the strong points of the song, so maybe finding some points where you can trim a word here or there can really tighten it up. One place that comes to mind is at the beginning of the third stanza, maybe something like:
"I buried part of myself
The day I said farewell"
or
"I buried part of myself
When I was forced to say farewell"
Unless there are specific rhythmic patterns in the melody for which you need those words, then leave them alone. Other than that, without really hearing it, not much else to add. Good work.
"When you do something right, it seems as if you've done nothing at all."