#1
When I first discovered I could masturbate
It was a huge relief.
'cause a part of me realised that no matter how
fat or awkward or insecure I was
I could always love myself.

We've all got a story stuck in our throats
choked down by all the white meat around the wish bone
I was 18 before it ever really hit home
that I was full grown but still hadn't learned to love the skin I own
as a kid I wouldn't let it show
locked it away, put the key under my mattress
then I rolled with it
all the jokes about being a fat kid
I used to run every day, with my dad until he got sick
but thank god he stopped 'cause my weight nearly killed him
picked a fight with the mirror, told him he was a shell
didn't even have the courage to take a chance or rebel
held a gun to my temple, then my hair got wet
had a full water pistol and another empty threat
So make a change mother****er
or else you'll stay the same
all your anxieties will pile up
and cloud your every thought like mud
they'll rip your aspirations and destroy your dreams
and hopes for love, they'll crush you like a tonne of..
****
'cause I just locked it away and it got stuck in my throat
Suffocating, I found and outlet, so I wrote
this is just a process by which I can face my inhibitions
sometimes I'm hide inside my shell but creeping out inch by inch
I've been punched, kicked, broken down, bruised and pushed away
from what I wrote down while building up the courage to say
that this is my life, my skin, my ego you're denting
my stumbled words, emotions and my cliche ramblings
you want to trade words? Yeah, they used to make me down
but now they've put me here pouring my soul to a crowd
I am above you now.

Yes, It was a huge relief.
no matter how fat or awkward or insecure I am
I can always love myself.
I'm not quite there yet, but I'm trying
Now I keep the key in my breast pocket.

_____________________
I made some fairly big changes in this, envisioned it as a performance piece. The Australian Poetry Slam heats are in september, so I've had that on my mind with everything I'm writing recently.
I know it's pretty angsty, cliche and not touching on anything new but it's real, I haven't written anything retrospectively about highschool, so this is an attempt. The line about my dad has a little backstory - My dad used to run with me every day, we started 'cause he was concerned for my health and he got pneumonia, but didn't go to a doctor and didn't stop running, had to be hospitalised for nearly a week. I'm considerably less overweight now though.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Aug 4, 2013,
#3
I was really feeling this up until the masturbation line. For me, personally, you had me enthralled because it felt you spilling out of your heart each word as I read it on the page. Nothing felt filtered or edited or thought-through. Rather, it was off the cuff and raw. But the lines about loving yourself through masturbating, etc, for me felt a little too curated. By that I mean, for me there was a noticeable lack of momentum once I read those lines because I felt they lacked the spontaneous, stream of conscious flow that everything proceeded it had. Keep writing though because I really think you have a lot of talent. And take everything I've said as just a friendly opinion.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
don't be afraid to push your imagery farther. let the poem ruminate in what it wants to say. your flow is great but this poem seemed to want to say so much more than what you let it say
#5
I really did feel good to get it off my chest. Thanks guys, I really do appreciate the criticism as well as the compliments. I went back and restructured it a little, tried to flesh some more out, I'll edit/post the updated version when I wake up and make sure it's not stupid :P
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#6
I made some fairly significant changes, sorry for the bump.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#7
Not an incredibly large fan of the piece itself, but where it/you could go. Keep it up.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching