#1
you're sweet and sympathetic like pink skies,
and though i tend to misinterpret, still i'm mystified.
you're aware of your magic it seems, no matter how careful
you are in your attempt to be discreet - you leave me little hints
written in the pages of books other boys would never read.
it's perfect - no matter how little i think i deserve it
some belief in the preternatural is all it takes to earn it.
you're standing there in the garden, statuesque, a work of art;
venus de milo, believe me it took time for me to let down my guard.
but i'm naked for you, all the gravitas of these days is falling off my waist for you.
if one day you come to life and find a love in our embrace,
promise me you won't ever let me stop chasing you.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 9, 2014,
#2
damn, you and jimi always post in these tiny fonts. maybe i'm getting cataracts or something.

to the poem. i think without the last line this would have been a bit meandering. the last line really ties the whole together nicely, especially with the continuation of the statue image (which could be more present perhaps) and i really enjoyed that; it sort of mirrored the way love and hope for love (for want of) can make us feel this intoxicated bravado (but not in a reckless way). however, i didn't care for the closeness of "mystified" and "mystique" nor did i care much for the rhyme of "mystique" and "discreet". the only other thing i can offer is that the line, "some belief in the preternatural is all it takes to earn it." seemed odd.

but you're a clearly nuanced and thoughtful writer, so my critiques don't mean much. it's just preferences and different ascriptions of values anyway. look forward to reading more of your poems.
#3
thanks man. i was torn initially as well about the 'mystique' and 'mystified' closeness, so i decided to switch it. i appreciate the kind words. good to see you around
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
this might sound like a strange thing to critique but 'sweet and sympathetic' sounds kind of heavy-handed. just taking the 'and' out somehow would help, I think - like "you're sweet: sympathetic like pink skies" or "you're sweet... sympathetic like pink skies"


very very nice read from you Ryan
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I never really know what to say with pieces such as yours, Rushmores, vintage x metal and such. I always really enjoy them but can never offer anything constructive. I'd feel too presumptuous; these works always seem to be in a different class to some of the lyrics posted on here (like my own).

All I can say is that you are a very consistent writer, and I always enjoy reading you.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Aug 29, 2013,