#1
Here's one of the more lyric heavy songs I've written. I'd love to hear some opinions from you people, I'm still very new to this forum.

Full Song Here

Personable purpose has me sitting shaking nervous
shallow nurses stitching splits near in my skin.
Within my soul, I swore't would fail to phase me
I could stay awake for days and compliment the many ways you drain me.

Scatter shattered spectacles inspected through your reticule.
Has havoc held a purpose in your past?
Play catch up paps and pinch your pennies
many mistakes? made a plenty.
All before the age of twenty.
Shake me down.

Distasteful old raisins wrinkle up, bubbling in the son
But not a one I could feel sorry for
Hold up the calamari store and
Steal those slippery suckers right from underneath their noses.
Spend, expend a friend to insidious ends
Although a lot of folk would try to make amends

I aim for courage covering cowardice
beguiled by empty hourglasses
Fast approaching pavement probably from shaking payments
Paint a picture, lament loud to Lucifer low, in the clouds
collect your debt and down you go again, against the grain of common sense.
#2
Like the lyrics. I would like the music too, I enjoy discordant sounding songs, but I find your voice and the music to be too different in pitch for it to be enjoyable in my opinion.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#3
i really like this as a written piece; the flow is great, i liked a lot of your phrasing and word choice, and it's always nice to see alliteration used well. the only thing that bothered me was some of the line breaks, namely the first one, but that's not so much an issue with lyrics.

the music itself isn't something i'd normally listen to, but i think you made the lyrics work well with the song.