#1
at night I want to scream
Instead they do it for me

perception is creation
Of the ghosts of the past
They were inside her head
when the present called in

all their lives were taken
and hung on stars
they all fell down
into a beautiful garden

Motivation is nothing
when it crashes and burns
infection is all that is left
only one path remains

it was unearthed for them
a permanent home
created with painstaking hours
that would be easier to kill
#2
Hmm, I'm going to venture at giving this a critique even though I have no idea what you are talking about, which may be the piece's problem for me at least.

Quote by yoman297
at night I want to scream
Instead they do it for me


Strange use of capitalization here, and I'm not sure why. It seems fairly straight forward, even if it's a trite dull. Even vague can become interesting when given the right prose. That's probably horrible advice, and by no means do you have to listen to me, but it rings true for me.

I think you dive in and talk about two different people (You, and Her) without wholly explaining either one, you give us two directions but never take us down either one, it continues to talk about the "Ghost", which I read as maybe dead friends.

But what are "They", and why, what happened, and what is the result? What happened to her?

I feel like this is too cryptic for it's own good, without the resolution that the reader deserves. What I get is people died, and you and her are haunted by it, but you and her aren't even mentioned after the second stanza.

I would think hard about what it is that you are trying to convey, and then decide if what you've written tells that. If not re-work it, until it does, make it simpler if you have to.

Anyway just my two cents, take or leave it.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#3
Quote by yoman297
at night I want to scream
Instead they do it for me

perception is creation
Of the ghosts of the past
They were inside her head
when the present called in

all their lives were taken
and hung on stars
they all fell down
into a beautiful garden

Motivation is nothing
when it crashes and burns
infection is all that is left
only one path remains

it was unearthed for them
a permanent home
created with painstaking hours
that would be easier to kill



The first two lines really don't seem to fit in with the rest of the verses here. Likewise, 'her' just appears in the first verse (or second, if you count those first two lines as a verse. I'm not.) then is gone.

Each verse's final line also seems to jar with me. I cannot for the life of me think of a way to sing that into those verses without the contrast startling me. There's no flow into it. The third verse in it's entirety does the same thing, actually, but in concept. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the lyric about your ghosts. I literally removed it, and the lyric made more sense to me.

It seems like the lyric is more about the ghosts in her head than you or her, which make only brief appearances in the beginning. Even there, I'm not really sure what you are trying to convey here. Ghosts, either literal or metaphorically speaking, end up in a beautiful garden, a permanent home. I tend to take the ghosts as being literal dead people, friends or family. But the whole 'perception is creation/Of the Ghosts in the past' part makes me feel as if it's more metaphoric. The ghosts are created by you and her, perhaps even are you and her.

Beyond that, I don't know where you are going.

As Toadvine said, I think you are going too vague and cryptic about the entire thing, in short. I also think there's a lack of 'flow' between part to part, I'm having trouble placing this to music in my head (something I do fairly well, actually).