First off, starting with a breakdown is one of the most pointless things ever... as you're not actually breaking downing from anything.

The first riffs is okay, but not good enough to repeat so many times. The tempo jump comes completely out of no where and gives you whiplash only for it to return to the same chugging tempo as before.

Then it seems to kind of break down into psudo-proggy noodling until the end. It sounds more like you've stapled riffs together than actually write a song tbh.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself

Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
General notes: Your timing needs work. Practice the parts, and be really harsh on yourself. If you're off beat, try it again. Also, the writing is super-inconsistent. This isn't a song, it's a collection of unrelated riffs, without much development (at least until the second half). But I guess that's the point.
0:05- Get your timing right.
0:20- This part is way too repetitive to me. Switch it up and add some fills.
0:35- Please tell me that whammy wankery isn't the only thing you took away from Steve Vai. He's a talented composer too, with some good "narrative" pieces here and there.
1:33- The lead here is actually pretty good, if kind of simplistic. Just, again, get the timing right. If the timing is amateur-level, no mix can make it sound professional.
hey cool!
thanks for the info, it's all demo so I am aware of the timing issues.
thanks for being honest too!