#1
Its been a while since I've posted or indeed written anything. I'm up for posting feedback on your stuff if you leave me a link, I'll put some thought into and all.


Born from lust, into wrath
I arrived late and will not stay long.

From Mother to lovers, in weakness and fear
I've lived off the kindness of women for years.

All those men much cleverer than me,
They drew maps with the right directions.
Their instructions I cannot read,
I am captivated by my imperfections.

You came along and took me by the hand,
You said "Follow me, if you truly wish to be free"

At last, an atlas, at last an atlas.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Aug 29, 2013,
#2
Hm, interesting. I guess this piece pretty much sums up the way we, who don't "get" woman at first. But then there comes that moment when we finally get "it" an atlas at last

At first, I felt this a little bit uninspired perhaps? The title however is catchy and rhymes well. However it might be, a personal thing you wrote here (some might like it!) It gets better the more you read it though.

Oh well, hows that for an thought? Haha, If you want to. You may read my overly ambitious piece down in my sig. See if there's anything you want to tear apart.
Last edited by Eccer at Aug 31, 2013,
#3
Hey man, I like your words.
From Mother to lovers, in weakness and fear
I've lived off the kindness of women for years.
]

I like how much this gets across in such a small amount of words.
She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes

#4
3 year old thread, really?

It's an interesting conceit - I don't think it's fully realized here - it could certainly be expanded to give a bit more depth to both the author and their atlas woman.

Then again, after this much time, are you still editing?
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'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

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#5
Yah, cheers for the responses but I wouldn't mind if this was removed. I'm not too keen on it myself, it was written what feels like a long time ago.