#1
c4c (please leave a link)

part I

i swallowed the summer heat,
wondering if you felt the same as your words tried to claim
when you wrote me that damning letter.

i wish i'd kept it to hide it away with everything else,
but what would that change?
it still would have sounded the same when you said,
"meet me anywhere
surrounded and far from here,
and i'll put the words in your mouth that you need to escape me."

i was not prepared to be spoken for,
but i had to agree, disassemble and breathe
(lest surrender to honesty).
then the wind picked up to embolden me,
echoing everything that i said:

"i could be so much more."

(swim screamed, "how can this be?!
with whose help can i refrain from ascending to clarity?")

part II

i poured down coffee
as the air carried warnings of the nearing rain
that would darken the long drive home,
and (like each perilous night that my aim was off)
i tried to hide my restless hands away from my face.

it was so calming to speak so warmly after nearly a year,
but still
i waited for the clouds to submit,
to give in to their own weight,

and i screamed, "i could be so much more."

then you swayed around the parking lot,
cigarette-in-hand and half-aware of my obsession
with every step
and every twirl,
and every time i watch you dance,
it seems almost possible to wish such impossible things
as romance or safety.
#2
Quote by Winter Sky

part I

i swallowed the summer heat,
wondering if you felt the same as your words tried to claim
when you wrote me that damning letter.

Good opener, you leave us with a strong ending. Giving this a get go to the next following stanzas.

i wish i'd kept it to hide it away with everything else,
but what would that change?
it still would have sounded the same when you said,
"meet me anywhere
surrounded and far from here,
and i'll put the words in your mouth that you need to escape me."

The way you lead us into your love drama, slightly yet revealing.

i was not prepared to be spoken for,
but i had to agree, disassemble and breathe
(lest surrender to honesty).
then the wind picked up to embolden me,
echoing everything that i said:

Fantastic stanza, the flow, the rhyming the imagery.

"i could be so much more."

Yes, true words!

(swim screamed, "how can this be?!
with whose help can i refrain from ascending to clarity?")

This is something I stumble on. Yet, holds an enigmatic sense to it. Which makes me wanting to get a hold it. Yet I wonder if "swim" is a name or just a methaphor for currents and so on.

part II

i poured down coffee
as the air carried warnings of the nearing rain
that would darken the long drive home,
and (like each perilous night that my aim was off)
i tried to hide my restless hands away from my face.

A driving one yes, again a good opener. A clever build up for the final.

it was so calming to speak so warmly after nearly a year,
but still
i waited for the clouds to submit,
to give in to their own weight,

and i screamed, "i could be so much more."

Great, you followed through with what you had. Giving this piece that poetic quality, expressing your sorrow yet again.

then you swayed around the parking lot,
cigarette-in-hand and half-aware of my obsession
with every step
and every twirl,
and every time i watch you dance,
it seems almost possible to wish such impossible things
as romance or safety.

Great conclusion, this part is where you finally revealed the entity of this poem. Making it, not just another love story. But an thought provoking one, which I can relate to!


This was so enjoyable. The writing, the imagery you put me in. Such a classic poem, delivered just about perfectly for your own originality. I've only read this a couple of times, but found myself wanting to do a review right away. And sorry if I didn't offer a more constructive review. As I thought a more on the spot impression, would leave a better expression of honesty. You may look on my newest post, listed in "current piece". Thanks for this!