Mainer
UG's Cosmic Revolutionary
Join date: Feb 2009
4,891 IQ
#1
I wrote this song a few weeks ago (the same day I wrote another song called "Prisoner"). I posted them both on the same thread and was told to repost them individually. Figured I'd do that now haha


"Innocence"

Lego blocks and Jabberwocks
And devils under beds
As gingerbread and sugarplums
All dancing through our heads
If demons are really out there
Do just like mother said
Ask God above to save you
Before the vile strike you dead

Just shield your eyes
From everything you see
Are monsters in the closet?
Or is the monster me?
Run while you still can, dear
Before I come undone
One battle may be over
This war I have not won…

Broken toys in attics lay
Collecting years of dust
Sailing paper pirate ships
Across carpets colored rust
Father always laughed at shame
When I crumbled to dust
Don’t forget from where you came
Remember me you must

Just shield your eyes
From everything you see
Are monsters in the closet?
Or is the monster me?
Run while you still can, dear
Before I come undone
One battle may be over
This war I have not won…

Where has innocence gone?
Where has innocence gone?
Where has innocence gone?
Where has innocence gone?

Just shield your eyes
From everything you see
Are monsters in the closet?
Or is the monster me?
Run while you still can, dear
Before I come undone
One battle may be over
This war I have not won…

Boldfaced lies from tired eyes
Of beasts from long ago
Of fire breathing evil
Frozen by the snow
Wives tales and folklore dreams
Passed down, bartered, sold
Now they live to haunt you
Stab fear through your soul

They burns out the nightlight
That’s kept you safe for years
They expose you naked
Torment you to tears
Cleverly disguised themselves
As the sum of all your fears

Where has innocence gone?
Where has innocence gone?

Just shield your eyes
From everything you see
Are monsters in the closet?
Or is the monster me?
Run while you still can, dear
Before I come undone
One battle may be over
This war I have not won…
Dio10101
UG's Biggest Idiot
Join date: Aug 2008
874 IQ
#2
Lots of really cool lines in here. Seems like theres a looooot of lyrics in this song. That being said, I've never heard the actual song so I can't really judge if that's good or bad. Some lines were passable but I felt could be made a little bit less awkward sounding or more effective or whatever by changing a word or two or just some slightly different sentence structure, in my opinion, I'll copy paste them here: Stab fear through your soul, Just shield your eyes From everything you see
That's just my opinion though. Definitely a solid set of lyrics!
Mainer
UG's Cosmic Revolutionary
Join date: Feb 2009
4,891 IQ
#3
Quote by Dio10101
Lots of really cool lines in here. Seems like theres a looooot of lyrics in this song. That being said, I've never heard the actual song so I can't really judge if that's good or bad. Some lines were passable but I felt could be made a little bit less awkward sounding or more effective or whatever by changing a word or two or just some slightly different sentence structure, in my opinion, I'll copy paste them here: Stab fear through your soul, Just shield your eyes From everything you see
That's just my opinion though. Definitely a solid set of lyrics!


Yeah it's pretty wordy lol. And I agree about the "stab fear through your soul" line. I just couldn't think of anything else that really fit, it'll probably be changed haha. Thanks for the constructive criticism though