#1
If anything I am pathetic
An optmist who's skin should shed it.
When time's are rough you've had enough.
But you just dwell on dimwit stuff.
When she's everything you dream and more.
You're looking for a better *****.
So you tell her things won't work this time.
But in your mind "there's girls you'll find".

Nothings worse than false commitments.
Like you'll be mine through all the shitness.
Oh, silly heart Oh, silly mind.
Think like eyes, why are you blind?
So now day in and too day out.
we're running circles, who's devout?
But when she goes and ****s someone,
suddenly life's not near as fun.

If I could describe
how I feel inside.
I'de need 10,000 hours
and 10,000 lines.
#2
The last 4 lines are without a doubt the best part. They sound like the end of a really good chorus. The rest of it pales in comparison, to be brutally honest. Most of the rhymes come off making it sound a bit juvenile, which isn't inherently a bad thing. The best parts I'd definitely recommend keeping/working with are "Oh, silly heart Oh, silly mind. Think like eyes, why are you blind?" because it sounds cool, and the last 4 lines. Good concept though. The anger is there, and that's important. Good luck, and good work!
#3
Thanks dude, I appreciate it, I wasn't actually aware of the rhymes being juvenile until reading that and reading back over it. Back to the workshop!