#1
The Show

And on the head our rabbit sits
His top hat world is dark around him
But not a sound he makes
The secret is an encumbrance
On a fragile frame
The Magicians eyes are focused
In a sleek, black suit
Virgin white gloves sheathe a steady hand

So did you think you could just slink away?
You didn't think your conscience would hunt you down?
The wound is festering
From the inside out
Before you know it you're as bare as bones

Well as Bunny sat shakin'
As the Magician was-a-makin'
Another gift wrapped, bow tied illusion
For the crowd to swallow down
A hidden thought creeped up from out of nowhere
Magician stopped couldn't believe his mind would go there
His brow began to furrow and his hands began to shake
A Lone Voice from the audience cried out "it's all a fake"
The Masses rushed the stage and beat Magician down
Bunny tried to flee but was trampled by the crowd
The Lone Voice emerged and he had donned Magician's cape
"The show must go on people, kindly take your seats"

So you think you could just slink away?
You didn't think your conscience would hunt you down?
The wound is festering
From the inside out
Before you know it you're as bare as bones


Bunny was a good man Bunny was a student
Bunny had the whistle and he could've but he blew it
Funny how a man can be reduced to such a state
Money has it truth will never see the light of day
Magician had a plan but he kept it as a secret
Guilded like a coffin to conceal what's underneath it
He thought that he knew better but it was a grave mistake
The monster he created would destroy him all the same
The Masses claim their innocence and demand a righteous path
We're equally complicit and refuse to understand
Refuse to see the light that shines in every being's heart
And cater to our selfish needs instead of serving all

So you think that you can slink away?
Well here your conscience comes to hunt you down
The light it shines in you
You gotta let it out
And as one people we can share the throne
.....
The Message:


Firstly its important to understand that I have a borderline conspiracy theorist view of the world.
So "the show" is meant to be the illusions in which we base our society (false value of paper money, precedence of material/aesthetic merit over functional/beneficial value). The magician (world leaders/bankers/CEOs) is obviously the proprietor of the illusion which he orchestrates for what he percieves as the benefit of the "crowd/audience/masses" (which is all of us), the bunny is the inside man who knows its all a trick but feels or actually is powerless to stop it (any famous whistleblower in history). The Lone Voice (revolutionary type ex: Mao, Stalin) sees it all for what it is and overthrows the Magician only to "don the cape" himself and the cycle of "the show" seems doomed to repeat itself (as it did in both China and Russia, is it happening here in America now?). The chorus is meant to emphasize that ultimatley we all know whats right in our hearts and while great revolutions all seem to be doomed to failure if we would ALL just follow what we know is right the woes of the world can be remedied and thus we can all "share the throne" in peace. Theres much more to the song but I think this should be enough to clear things up. Thank you so much for your time.
Last edited by ramble-on at Oct 24, 2013,
#2
Well done. A few minor typos ("your" instead of "you're" in 5th line of the chorus, missed apostrophes in contractions like "couldn't"), but I liked it. I like how there's a bit of a subtle rhyming scheme. The last chorus really brings it from "ok" to "good", I think.

Crit my song lyrics please?
#3
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Well done. A few minor typos ("your" instead of "you're" in 5th line of the chorus, missed apostrophes in contractions like "couldn't"), but I liked it. I like how there's a bit of a subtle rhyming scheme. The last chorus really brings it from "ok" to "good", I think.

Crit my song lyrics please?

Thanks for the input. I wanted to end it on a positive note so and Im glad you caught that. I just wish i could come up with a better metaphor than the "light" which i think is very overused.
#4
Thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I love the way you created these characters. The piece really immerses you into its world. My only gripe is that the flow seems off to me, but it probably works when put to music, (which I would love to hear). Lastly, the chorus is just perfect. I really dig the first two lines of it. Anyways, keep it up
#5
Thanks for reading my piece man. I'm going to let you know before I dig into this that I'm no critic, my skills lie in other areas, so feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt. If you're looking for a solid critique see if you can find one of Jammydude44's pieces, his critiques are always insightful and helpful. Anyway, here we go.

The rhythm, rhyming, and flow of this piece reminded me of 60's Dylan. Almost too much. As if you were listening to Dylan and said to yourself "I can do that too, all he is doing is stringing a bunch of nonsense together!" And went and wrote this song. Now I'm not saying Dylan writes nonsense (although it would be hard to argue he doesn't at times), but the beauty of Dylan is the flow of the words, how they are used as an instrument in and of themselves, the way they flow, roll off the tongue, and bite at you. This piece was good if that's what you were going for, not great. This had more of a trickle than a flow, and more bark than bite. At least to me, but like I said take everything with a grain of salt. I think there were bright moments here, but there were also too many weak moments, and we all know the hard part is editing those down so you are left with a strong standing piece of work. You know, "kill your darlings" and all that.
It's lines like this that I'm referring to.
"Guilded like a coffin to conceal what's underneath it
He thought that he knew better but it was a grave mistake
The monster he created would destroy him all the same
The Masses claim their innocence and demand a righteous path
We're equally complicit and refuse to understand
Refuse to see the light that shines in every being's heart
And cater to our selfish needs instead of serving all"

You're using all the right tools, alliteration, rhyme scheme, internal rhyme, and all that jazz. But something is missing here. This doesn't make me feel anything. Nothing. And, to me at least, that's the whole point. These are just words that sound pretty when you say them together, but the meaning of them is lost on me. I could try and interpret them, sure the magicians monster could be himself as an addict, the masses claiming their innocence could be a potshot at organized religion, and the light in our hearts could be the only way we can fix it. (I know this is most likely not what you were going for, and if it was, consider it an extremely lucky guess). But here's the thing. I have no reason to care about any of that. It's too lazy and easy to mask everything in metaphors (in my opinion, but I can understand anybody who disagrees with that notion). I could write something like "A fingerless man is playing the violin." and it could be mistaken as deep, but really its saying nothing, it's just fluff, simply words on a page, that are open to interpretation, but in the end mean nothing. I know the whole arguement "it needs to be heard with music to truly be understood." and that's a valid point, but here all I have to judge is the words, they need to be able to stand alone. Go read some Neil Young or Bob Dylan lyrics without music and see how well those words stand on their own.

But like I said, I'm no good at this whole critiquing thing. All I know is what works for me, but that's not to say it will work for everyone. I can't stand Charles Dickens, but he's a hell of a lot more well known than I'll ever be, so really what do I know.

Cheers.
#6
This was a very unique and dark piece to read. I enjoyed how it all ended on a positive note and the way things were wrapped up. The main thing issue I had was with the large use of metaphors, as I didn't properly get the message being told by the work. But without these metaphors there would be no song, so I'm unsure how useful that critique would be. I think with some interesting accompaniment this could be an decent piece.
#7
Quote by NattyDaddy
This was a very unique and dark piece to read. I enjoyed how it all ended on a positive note and the way things were wrapped up. The main thing issue I had was with the large use of metaphors, as I didn't properly get the message being told by the work. But without these metaphors there would be no song, so I'm unsure how useful that critique would be. I think with some interesting accompaniment this could be an decent piece.

Well seeing as how you and bluesy are saying the same thing its obvious I am not communicating clearly. I will definitley revise it with your criticism in mind. I added my intent of the song above to clear things up. Very much appreciate your time.
#9
I really like the metaphor of the magician. I don't think I've seen that done before, and it makes the piece quite unique. Really the only thing I could think to not work in the piece is The secret is an encumbrance, and that's the word "encumbrance" has so many syllables. Other than that I don't want to say its perfect because my songwriting experience is limited, but you did a great job.

What do you think of this?
If I could get THAT sound out of a Casio Mickey Mouse watch, I would play a Casio Mickey Mouse watch
#10
Thanks for the crit on my stuff.

This one's fantastic. I loved the imagery and metaphors and would love to hear some music behind this. Keep up the good work. I don't know what you were talking about by 'horrible writing'

I especially liked the part that starts with 'bunny was a good man...'
#11
Quote by ramble-on
The Show

And on the head our rabbit sits
His top hat world is dark around him
But not a sound he makes
The secret is an encumbrance
On a fragile frame
The Magicians eyes are focused
In a sleek, black suit
Virgin white gloves sheathe a steady hand

This is a great start to be honest, its well written and engaging. It also has a great flow throughout it.

So did you think you could just slink away?
You didn't think your conscience would hunt you down?
The wound is festering
From the inside out
Before you know it you're as bare as bones

Well this is a song indeed, but I can't help but feel this chorus...should have been played later on? It's an sudden transition from your previous start.

Well as Bunny sat shakin'
As the Magician was-a-makin'
Another gift wrapped, bow tied illusion
For the crowd to swallow down
A hidden thought creeped up from out of nowhere
Magician stopped couldn't believe his mind would go there
His brow began to furrow and his hands began to shake
A Lone Voice from the audience cried out "it's all a fake"
The Masses rushed the stage and beat Magician down
Bunny tried to flee but was trampled by the crowd
The Lone Voice emerged and he had donned Magician's cape
"The show must go on people, kindly take your seats"

So the story begins, it's easy to follow. Given the imagery, and as blues said. You use all the right tools to keep us reading. But they all feel a little plastered on there, don't you think? And that renders it a little bit mechanical, overall. It's well written though!


So you think you could just slink away?
You didn't think your conscience would hunt you down?
The wound is festering
From the inside out
Before you know it you're as bare as bones

The chorus fits great here, I think. Maybe you should repeat this part? But I don't know the texture of your song and how it will be played. But that's just my overall view on it now, without anything else to comply with but the share text.

Bunny was a good man Bunny was a student
Bunny had the whistle and he could've but he blew it
Funny how a man can be reduced to such a state
Money has it truth will never see the light of day
Magician had a plan but he kept it as a secret
Gilded* like a coffin to conceal what's underneath it
He thought that he knew better but it was a grave mistake
The monster he created would destroy him all the same
The Masses claim their innocence and demand a righteous path
We're equally complicit and refuse to understand
Refuse to see the light that shines in every being's heart
And cater to our selfish needs instead of serving all

Given it's a song still, you might have adorned this stanza in a context that it's trying to be deep. I understand that you wanted this, and it means alot to you...to let it out sorta. I guess fine tuning it and loosening is what this stanza requires. If you catch my drift?

So you think that you can slink away?
Well here your conscience comes to hunt you down
The light it shines in you
You gotta let it out
And as one people we can share it all

? perhaps, I didn't like that particular ending there.



My friend, you got ambition. You clearly got a goal with this, and for that I applaud. This song is not bad in that its meant for being just that. A few lines here and that shines, and some that just feels tiring and plastered on. It's a jigsaw, and sometimes we the writers are left to puzzle our exact meaning through words. To be able to connect the reader and his mind, even if it's something he doesn't necessarily care about. Will have a new understanding of that person afterwards. And for this you have my respect, you have done well in critiquing others and it shows! You want this! So please keep writing. These songs are just small steps to something greater. I will keep a watch on you from now on.

And PS; if you feel that I just blabbered on with this. Then don't care about it at all, I am also learning to critique others...small steps...myes