#1
We were all dust once;
particles of nothing.
We'll all be dust again;
particles of things forgotten.
The urges we clung to
but tried to submerge
in the ocean of delusion;
the dark thoughts we had
when sanity deserted us
for a new kind of hell.

Remember when we sang the night?
nonononononojust dust again;
distant electrons in the vacuum.

Tonight tolight, we sang,
praying for the heat of someone else's rays.
Remember when we were cold?
We shivered, generating our own heat
that only others felt.

Nothing in those dusty boxes but us,
slowly taking up
less and less space
until only we remained,
with everything there was before;
we never thought it was possible,
being particles of nothing
yet of things forgotten.

Remember when we sang the night?
How it must look now,
us getting in the way
of other people's eyes.
#2
Are these lyrics? Just curious
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I really like how you repeated the line "Remember when we sang the night?" and how you hinted back at that line in the 3rd stanza with "Remember when we were cold?". It's like a line harking back to nostalgia ("...sang the night", that is), which contrasts a bit with the main theme of the poem.

Not completely sure what you meant by the line "Tonight tolight, we sang,", mostly because I couldn't figure out if "tolight" was a typo or intentional. Either way, I kind of got a vague gist of it based on context.

Crit my song lyrics please?
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 17, 2013,
#5
Thanks; I wanted to have a clearer image of how it sounds. The images in this are very nice, and there are great highlights of character coming out in your phrasing. I think, perhaps, you could be a little lighter or wistful in your punctuation - this could help give it a more 'private' scope.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja