#1
Verse 1:
Burn into my spirit, sear into my soul
Blow me away, I say
Sweep me up like a tornado
You set me down on a solid, weathered rock
My only fear and reason

Chorus:
Genesis ascendant
Master of the universe
The only omnipotent being
Genesis ascendant
Dire but fair, master of the universe

Verse 2:
Your words strike like lightning
Shatter me right now
Your voice is blazing thunder
None ever saw you and remained the same
My only fear and reason

Verse 3:
Looking into myself for vice
Breaking down the causes of decay
Slowly ending my internal strife
Seeking the incomprehensible tranquility
Surrender my will, take up freedom
I'm the powerslave; command me now

Verse 4:
Brothers, hear my words, listen ardently
Follow the Law, the integral sum
Learn well writs in the Teaching
The way to life and your maxim
Surrender my will, take up freedom
I'm the powerslave; command me now

Bridge:
Entreat and commune in your name
The smoke of burnt incense rises
Heaven's come to earth
Heaven's come to earth
(Oh...)

Verse 5:
Master of mine, guide me now
I want to know my destiny
Mysterious Master, surround -- holy and wise eternally
Surrender my will, take up freedom
Command me now, here and evermore


Technically a repost, but I added a new stanza (and made a few minor edits). Thank you for reading and critiquing!
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 17, 2013,
#2
Well it sounds like a religious song and though Im not religious I do like your lyrics. I like the powerslave concept you talk about as I think its good way to describe the notion of submission to a higher power. I believe it is important for all people to be beholden to a idea/entity that is greater then themselves otherwise you become selfish. I also like the follow up line "command me now" as after it the second time I interpreted it as "command me NOW!" Which I think is a great illustration of the powerslave concept (as I understand it). If I had to choose a negative I guess I would say Id like to hear more about the specific eachings of your God. It seems like a great portion of your song (and most other religious music) spend alot of time just singing his praises (God is great, God is perfect ect.) without actually discussing the teachings. I think focusing on the wisdom/teachings would be alot more interesting and informative than simply talking about how great he is. Overall, Id call it good based on your powerful description and use of intricate concepts.
#3
Just realized my whole critique could be based on a complete a misinterpretation, if so, my apologies
#4
Your interpretation is mostly correct, although there's also a philosophical bent to it all. As far as discussing the teachings, I hardly think that could be covered in a song of this form. But Verse 3 & 4 are supposed to be hinting at "what to do", so to speak. The original problem with this song was that it was merely descriptive (as you said the whole idea of "God is great"), so Verse 3 & 4 try to address that point a bit. Note that I purposely left this song open enough that it can be interpreted in different ways; for example, the title itself can be interpreted in several ways. ("What is a Genesis Ascendant" is something I wanted the listener to contemplate.) And I keep that central idea of multiple interpretation throughout the lyrics.
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 20, 2013,
#5
I could totally hear James Labrie singing this, or Devin townsend in that manner. And that's not a bad thing, you got some great inspiration here. I would also have loved to hear this as a song, I say it would definitely fit into the label of prog metal. But that's just my opinion though. Inspiration is great to get you going. But that's what kinda makes this from really being great, to just collection of inspiration. Obviously, this is well written and holds alot of meaning, I like that and I thought it has that certain level of "awesomeness".

But in the end it's just that. It's like i've seen this entire piece before, if you catch my drift?

Edit: Forgot to mention, the pacing is really great here. I could almost hear the tempo in each line, so you're obviously good at constructive lyrics. Which could easily fit different riffs, just like that! I guess that's why I had so much fun reading this
Last edited by Eccer at Oct 30, 2013,
#6
Thanks. I guess I wasn't really trying to be revolutionary or anything. It's interesting you mention that you feel like you've heard this song before, since it was originally inspired by Metallica's "Master of Puppets".

I'm a bit flattered that you could hear LaBrie or Townsend singing this. And yes, it is written as a sort of Prog song. I'm personally picturing it as a Thrash-y tune with prog elements. (Think Anacrusis; example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeJZd1ru6i8.) Anyway, what would you say would push this song towards "really being great"?
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 30, 2013,
#7
Make it a song!

And I am sorry if you feel offended in anyway, I'm just saying this as why people wouldn't look on this in the first place, or it might just be that some oversaw it, who knows? These forums have been dying lately as of people not giving critiques. So I'm just being honest and all, you may take my critique as nothing if you so wish.
#8
Nah, nah, I think I get what you're saying. And I wasn't offended. I actually have the song all written & such; I just can't record it until I get a new motherboard for my desktop, lol. Thank you for your review, man!
#10
Quote by Cavalcade
Sounds very Dream Theater.

I'll take that as a good thing.

Definitely not bad, just transparent.

Transparent in what way? In a good way or a bad way? Would you recommend making it more obscure? Or what?
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 31, 2013,
#11
As has been said, this is VERY LaBrie-esque. But I'd say less Dream Theater-y and moreso his solo projects like Static Impulse.

I feel like much of it's meant to be growled (especially the chorus), with some clean breakdowns, and maybe alternating lines

My main criticism is that it sometimes feels like you're forcing an extra syllable or two in the line so you can use the words you obviously prefer to use. But then, I don't know how YOU would be pacing and phrasing it, so it might flow perfectly (that's the difficulty with critiquing written songs).

The subject matter isn't too appealing to me, but that's not really important if you like it.
#12
Quote by progdude93
As has been said, this is VERY LaBrie-esque. But I'd say less Dream Theater-y and moreso his solo projects like Static Impulse.

I feel like much of it's meant to be growled (especially the chorus), with some clean breakdowns, and maybe alternating lines

I intend that the verses be sung in a higher register, while the chorus is sung in a lower register. I personally don't like using growling/screaming on my own tracks, despite how much I like it on a lot of Metal.

My main criticism is that it sometimes feels like you're forcing an extra syllable or two in the line so you can use the words you obviously prefer to use. But then, I don't know how YOU would be pacing and phrasing it, so it might flow perfectly (that's the difficulty with critiquing written songs).

That's a thought, yes. I'll have to sing it a few times and see if you're right.

Thanks for the critique, man.