#1
They called him prodigy.
College bound not a GED.
Then he got his first hit,
and that was the end of it.
Now he’s selling blow,
watching his life go.

It’s a shame. Oh it’s a shame,
To waste your family name,
To trade it all for some gain,
and to live with the pain.

Rhinestoned boots and purse.
For her, beauty was a curse.
Just another pretty face,
stuck in a dead end place.
She works on the corner,
searching life for some order.

It’s a shame. Oh it’s a shame,
To waste your family name,
and choose of life of descent,
and filled with regrets.

I got Dad’s guitar at five.
6 strings made me feel alive.
But money was just more,
than I could ignore.
For 8 hours I sign loans,
and answer the phone.

It’s a shame. Oh it’s a shame,
To waste your family name,
To live a life behind a desk,
Instead of what, you do best.


This is something short I threw together. I plan some revisions in the future. But here it is for now, all critique is appreciated.
#2
I always like songs/poems that deal with characters as you did here. I also really like that you add something new to the chorus everytime you repeat it, it keeps it fresh (repitition irritates the shit out of me. ex: "tonight we are young....X 35 = song?, i think not). The last verse will probably feel like a kick in the nuts to everyone on this site as it did for me; very good as well. A critisicm: It seem like the scholar and the musician had reasons for not finding success (drugs, money respectively) while the beauty queen did not, perhaps you could make that clear. I know you mentioned its just a draft and I believe you have laid out a solid foundation.
Would you critique mine please?
Would you critique mine please?
Last edited by ramble-on at Oct 21, 2013,
#3
I'm glad you could feel the last verse. Did you notice the change into first perspective then by chance? What I was really trying to get across was that the author has no place to judge people when he has wasted his life after momentary success as well. I think I'll add at least one more character before getting to the author to instill this point better.

I have to ask, even though you viewed this as a rough draft, how would it have differed if you thought of this as a final draft for a song?