#1
Give me your link and Ill gladly return the favor.

Self-styled Liberator

Well he's seen hardship in his youth.
At least in his mind,
more than most.
Now he despises
the man that he became.
Withdrew himself from everyone
and hung his head in shame.
He's pacing, clenched fists, gritted teeth
climbing up the walls.
Searching for the meaning of it all.
So in a state of hopelessness and vulnerabilty,
thats when he met a man who said he'd keep him company.
He'd show him how to turn the rage onto the enemy.
Real or fabricated; well, that's really not the point you see...

Self-styled liberator
Takin' matters into your hands
Never saw the rest of the picture
Genocidal mania
That's your kin's blood on your hands
May your God judge you justly...
Cause one day you'll be gone
And the living move on

He's motivated now and learning how to shoot his gun.
He'll be ready for the war his great book says will come.
He only read the pages that affirm what he believes.
Omit the rest and you can justify 'most anything...

Self-styled liberator
Can you fit the world into your plans?
Never saw the rest of the picture
Genocidal mania
Justify your means for the ends
May your God judge you justly-

-cause radicalism's a faulty seed.
Think about the world and how it ought to be.

Now think about your actions and the gains they made.
Think about the families in grief and pain.

Think about your homeland war torn and scarred
Think about the trauma etched on your youth's hearts

Think about the world screaming out for reprieve.
Now tell me: how do your actions advance the cause for peace?

Self styled liberator
That's your kin's blood on your hands
May your God judge you justly...
Cause one day you'll be gone
And the living move on
........
The Skinny:
This song is basically an open letter to political extremists using Islamists as the main figure. I tried to imagine I was debating one face to face. I wanted to point out the wrong of their ways not only by using the obvious moral grounds but by proving that thier actions are not achieving thier goals and that thier goals are unrealistic.
Last edited by ramble-on at Oct 22, 2013,
#3
It's really hard to judge song lyrics without hearing the song.

Judging by just the lyrics I would say that you really need to trim the fat around the meat, and give me something more to sink my teeth into. Then again, this is maybe the way it flows better when sung.

Your use of punctuation throws me off a bit, especially since it is a song. I believe the full stops disrupt the flow quite a bit.

Well he's seen hardship in his youth.
At least in his mind,
more than most.


This seems a line based to deny itself, it's wording is confusing, because the middle line doesn't fit, and it's broken into two thoughts because of the period.

So

At least in his mind, more than most.

???

Plenty of instances like this.

I feel like when you post song lyrics here, you should really strip them down to the core, and forget about repeating things like the chorus. Or maybe post both and spoiler tag the actual song. Just an opinion.

I also feel like this would hit harder, if it was preached without the 'He' narrative. Really it already does this in the chorus. For example.

He's motivated now and learning how to shoot his gun.
He'll be ready for the war his great book says will come.
He only read the pages that affirm what he believes.
Omit the rest and you can justify 'most anything...



motivated now,
learn how to shoot your gun
be ready for the war
the great book says will come

only read the pages
that affirm what you believe
omit the rest

you can justify

anything


Anyway just a few thoughts, take it or leave it, either way keep up the habit
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
I actually agree with Toadvine. If you remove most of the "he"s, it would be better. I mean, keep he/his/himself where it makes sense, but you can remove most of it. It would make the dialogue more direct, as if you're actually speaking directly to the guy.

I would also remove "they" in
Now think about your actions and the gains they made.

I think "Now think about your actions and the gains made" flows a bit better.

Anyway, I like the song as a whole. I just think it needs that shift to be more direct, like I said. Imagine you're talking to a Muslim Extremist; you're not going to be saying "you" or "he" or whatever all the time (and even less so in a song, where things should be stripped down a bit more than usual conversation).

Crit mine please?
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 31, 2013,