#1
Newish song...
Will gladly check out yours just leave me a link!

Shipwrecks and Sunsets

you're one thousand trips I'll never take
to every stop along the interstate
lets say goodbye to the Midwest

you are letters I will never send
you're berries I won't trespass for again
this is what I should have said

you're an ocean liner going down
the deep blue sea
against a sky of red
(you're pretty like shipwrecks and sunsets)

a locomotive veering
off the tracks again

punk kids, haunting the trainwrecks

who will watch for broken glass for me
from all the bottles I smash beneath my feet
on every path I take

who will chase down poltergeists with me
coast to coast, we're ghosthuntin' yea

you're an ocean liner going down
the deep blue sea
against a sky of red
(you're pretty like shipwrecks and sunsets)

a locomotive veering
off the tracks again, yea

punk kids, haunting the trainwrecks
#2
I can't believe I'm the first comment on this. This was definitely a very solid piece all throughout. Some part were stronger than others, but as a whole, very dense.


I'd change the trainwreck part to a quick rhyme, I feel like it'd have a great effect when sung.

Like,

"a locomotive veering,
the way to clearer seeing,"

Or whatever you think would fit, you get what I'm saying.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate the input. I had just about stopped checking to see if anyone would comment =P. I'll mess around with that phrase see if I can make something that feels right.

Cheers!
#4
I loved the flow in this one. Smooth as hell. Very concise, condensed piece. I really like how you were able to say so much without getting wordy. A sign of great songwriter in my opinion. Nothing here that I would really change. Probably the only thing is that the the two "ghost-huntin" lines seem a bit out of place. But that's just me. Anyways, great job.

Crit mine please
Putting the Hallow Back in Halloween
#5
Such a satisfying song, this surprised me in end. After reading it countless of times, I had trouble to get the meaning of it. But I think I must have hit it now somehow (paying attention isn't one of my strong suits). Good images, I was kinda put off by the occasional "yea's". But once I ignored them I managed to like this. The bridge to the chorus at the start was pretty nicely done, however the second time it kinda falls flat with the poltergeist theme. Maybe revise it for a stronger bridge?

You can have a look on my latest if you wouldn't mind
Last edited by Eccer at Oct 28, 2013,