#1
Link to the song. Please listen as you read. The actual song begins at .48 in, so you can skip to that if you hate psychedelically delayed intros.
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She's buttoning up her work shirt
Got a long week ahead
Findin' whatever gold's left in her hands

And she's tryin to find a way
to define the fine lines
between feelin kinda down and feelin oh-so-so fine
(it goes)

Now cut to the second day
She's in a red-wine-haze
and she's found some inspiration

But by the end of tomorrow night
She'll take a step back and watch
her 'painted sunsets' melt away and fall to ash
(let's go)

[Chorus]
We used to run, baby run
from the early morning sun
and we got high to bide the time
while we found our reasons why
I keep her ice-cold eyes in the back of my own
and I shiver every time I hear her singing her song it goes...
----
[Bridge]
Hold your head up high
We never made it cause we never made the time
And we may still be young but we're still wasting precious time
Trying to find the reasons and the words we shared but left behind
----
[Verse 2]
On the morning of the fourth day
All the pretty little birds
sang their pretty little songs
to the girl on the steps
she was sittin' all alone
draggin on a cigarrete
and whistlin a little song
(it went)

And the melody kept ringin
before the ocean had a chance to choose it's shade of blue
all of the schools of little fish learned her rhythm and dance
and as the sun made it west she remembered how to feel again

[Chorus+Bridge]
On the evening of the sixth day
She laid the final strokes down
Her masterpiece was complete
And as the world started turning
She found a day to rest
High above the skies
to watch the painting she left behind...

------------------------------

I'm currently re-recording this (I wrote it over a year ago) and I was hoping to get some opinions on it before I go ahead with the vocals. I reworked a lot of the guitar parts to make it more interesting but am sorta stumped on the lyrics. I feel like the last verse and the second half of the second verse kind of peter out in creativity, but let me know what you think. C4C of course.

A little background: The song is supposed to be about the first chapters of Genesis (assuming god is a girl) as well as reflecting the process of writing or really creating any piece of artwork and is also dedicated to a painter I knew.
Last edited by mjones1992 at Oct 23, 2013,
#2
Good.... do send me the link once its recorded... would like to listen the music.... The words are wow....
#3
Love the song dude. That repeating up and down riff gives it a spiral like quality. I picture myself as a kid spinning around on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland. I would say overall you've got a good and complete song but Ill give you some criticism only because thats what we're suppose to do.
I feel like the chorus and the bridge depart from the rest of the narrative. Just reading the verses alone I could definitly see the parellels with Genesis, but the chorus and bridge kinda throw me off. I usually try to use the chorus as a tool for emphasizing the message of the song but perhaps thats just a stylistic preference. Overall I feel like the correlation you make between the process in Genesis and that of creating art in general would have been lost on me had I not read your description, maybe a line in the chorus tying it all together would kill two birds. Another thing that stuck out is it seems the song overall has a positive uplifting feel while the line "watching sunsets melt to ash" seems really dark and out of place. Honestly dude Im really reaching here to try and help, I think the song is really good as it is.
If you have the time please rip my terrible writing to shreds in the links below.
Last edited by ramble-on at Oct 23, 2013,