#1
I tried to ride the wave
Safely back to shore
I was just a breath away
Couldn't hold it anymore
The water's up to the knee
I can stand this time for sure
The current's slowly pulling me
I'll go down just once more

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

Live to face another lie
I'm sure yours will linger
Wish these memories would die
Like a bee lost its stinger
At times I'd like to crucify
What lies behind my finger!

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

Lies!
Poltergeist!
Spreading lies!
About the things you always wished
Lies!
Poltergeist!
Spreading lies!
About the things you always...
Lies!

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

I'm lying
I'm lying
I'm lying
About Nothing!
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


Last edited by popeye100 at Oct 25, 2013,
#2
Quote by popeye100
I tried to ride the wave
Safely back to shore
I was just a breath away
Couldn't hold it anymore
The water's up to the knee
I can stand this time for sure
The current's slowly pulling me
I'll go down just once more

I am seeing this, and you managed to create a nice little rhyming scheme there.

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

This stanza and the rest (same) has a great flow about it. I like that, and is why this piece is great imo.

Live to face another lie
I'm sure yours will linger
Wish these memories would die
Like a bee lost its stinger
At times I'd like to crucify
What lies behind my finger!
These two lines in particular just feels like you just wrote something to fill in the rest of the stanza. Maybe consider a revision?

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

Lies!
Poltergeist!
Spreading lies!
About the things you always wished
Lies!
Poltergeist!
Spreading lies!
About the things you always...
Lies!
I like the sudden transission you made there in the line break, makes for a great effect when sung.

Accepting
It's over
The night is
Much colder
I'm lying
To myself
Accepting
It's over
The night grows
Much colder
I'm lying
Next to
Nothing

I'm lying
I'm lying
I'm lying
About Nothing!


Well what do I have to say about this piece overall, is that maybe you should have taken a little bit more time to look through it perhaps. To come up stanza's that sparks creativity, that is just as emotional as this but keeps readers interested. Right now it feels like you're soaring directly unto the paper without a second thought! But what do I know, maybe I'm lying about everything?