#1
her name..


Did it send itself off?


A boy happened to be around that time.
Searching frantically, when he finally grabbed hold
a pillar standing there seemingly midst it all
crying
drowning still of her name.


This is the tenth letter I wrote you
I just don't get it...please
contact me.





Fame comes as a faint flicker
then disappears, just as her name
was not real but something you'd love.



I was out, watching
constantly and every drop fell
believing and it did seem to appear once.
Her name, a pillar midst the rain.









That I sing for them, mother
Abesse, fly
another letter.








I shouted out her name once more
but all was dead
nor reply as I spoke in abyss

drowning still of her name..
Last edited by Eccer at Dec 6, 2016,
#2
i can almost hear panned voices speaking the different narratives.

i felt this so so much, there's nothing more i can say.
#3
I agree with doubtfulsalmon. How you have the layout makes it seem that there is more than one narrator.

This is a beautiful piece. Be careful with layouts like this however; they can be hard to read at times.

Great use of descriptive vocabulary. This helps force the reader into the emotion you're projecting.

Good piece man!

Crit mine if you like,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1621189
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#4
I really feel like the layout adds a lot to the piece. I like it. I especially enjoy the stanza:
Fame comes as a faint flicker
then disappears, just as her name
was not real but something you'd love.


I feel like this stanza has a couple of meanings. One I suspect is probably personal to you, Eccer. Another is comparing the fleeting time of fame and contrasting it to human mortality. A 3rd meaning is connected to lost love or maybe a lost romantic opportunity, I think. I'm a big sucker for lines/stanzas that lend well to multiple interpretations!

Well done!