yr fragile smells of amaranth and anise
are a tangent full of softer things
and it makes me feel so warm.
do sing to me of whimsy and wit
in a key of no compliance
of no needs,
of only this.
oh, ever since we met
all i dream of is death
the beauty marks i'll miss
a kiss in a parking complex
and yr hair always in a mess.
i feel lost in a vastness
in unending questions, i confess
but i lose those questions in yr softness
and realize days are more than answers
only feelings,
and today trembles of bliss.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Nov 5, 2013,
The casual rhyming in this is great, as are the moments of intimate description. I'm unsure about the syllable shortened "yr", I think it does a good job of keeping the longer lines clean, but it seems a bit too harder sound for this piece. I like how you wrapped it up as well.
yeah, i hated the "yr" syllable. the rhyming was subtle but i felt that it was a bit too intentional. overall i think you have really nice images and a good skeleton, but somehow i don't find them striking me. it feels lackluster when you obviously have a lot going on and something to say.