#1
yr fragile smells of amaranth and anise
are a tangent full of softer things
and it makes me feel so warm.
do sing to me of whimsy and wit
in a key of no compliance
of no needs,
of only this.
oh, ever since we met
all i dream of is death
the beauty marks i'll miss
a kiss in a parking complex
and yr hair always in a mess.
i feel lost in a vastness
in unending questions, i confess
but i lose those questions in yr softness
and realize days are more than answers
only feelings,
and today trembles of bliss.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Nov 5, 2013,
#2
The casual rhyming in this is great, as are the moments of intimate description. I'm unsure about the syllable shortened "yr", I think it does a good job of keeping the longer lines clean, but it seems a bit too harder sound for this piece. I like how you wrapped it up as well.
#3
yeah, i hated the "yr" syllable. the rhyming was subtle but i felt that it was a bit too intentional. overall i think you have really nice images and a good skeleton, but somehow i don't find them striking me. it feels lackluster when you obviously have a lot going on and something to say.