#1



text version


The line was white
pushed straight along the aluminum strip
with a small black brush,
immediately hidden in the pocket of his hideous,
wine-stained, mustard hoodie,

He rose from his crouch
ghoulish pale index, fore finger on chin
drawn 'em deliberately to his chest
spun'n three rapid circles, spit
smearin' it into winter crack'd linolium
with sun-split steel toes,

Eyes; blood-struck, teal rimmed hazel
clicked to and fro with mechanical gesticulation
mutterin' monstrous unholy cadences
'neath tobacco mudden'd breath,

Further, further down dimly halls
shoulder fallin' filth greased locks
sway to the hobblin' gait
legs stretchin' horribly, bobbin' knobs twistin' inward
door arrived
midnight and all bastards sleep,

Bony digits; like spiders feedin'
seized in possession
a cauldron, colour of tar
silver in knuckles, a spoonful of salt
sifted forth and stooped to task,

From out dust spackled,
rusted whiskers spread grin
vacant teeth, full foulness and black,

Today he would light the fires.


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Haven't posted here in awhile, anyway Happy Halloween kids
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#2
I like your detailed descriptions and word choices. It's a quite eloquent piece, but I believe you have two things going against you.

You have A LOT going on in each stanza, which is directly related with how messy your punctuation is at times. Full stops are crucial. I'm not a fan of comma filled texts, especially when your phrasing is crucial in this piece. You turn the greatest strength into something slightly confusing that could be not confusing at all.

I really liked reading this though. Also, sorry if my phrasing in this reply is confusing as hell, but my head is really tired and not working so well with writing in English right now xD
#3
I see what you were going for here, and for the most part it works, but it falls short of the hole in the end. Try and step back, work with the themes and ideas in a similar kind of way, but perfect each phrase and attempt to make them less in your face. A piece like this should flow from the tongue; it should be natural.
#4
Seventh - I actually hate using any kind of punctuation in my pieces, but this one really couldn't work without it, so I loaded it with it. Might could use some periods though.

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Goldfish- I sacrificed a lot of the whole picture, for a better flow honestly. I do see what you mean though, there may be a slight bit too much description (hideous, wine-stained, mustard hoodie is a mouthful, but it does paint a portrait).

Is there anything of yours, that you would like me to peek at?


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I really don't like that last line, it was what I was going for, but not what I wanted to, say.

If that makes since

Needs something more specific, yet subtle. Ahh well, maybe it will come to me.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#5
i didn't dislike this the way it is. it felt like a novelty for me, with the apostrophized endings of phrases (bobbin') and the sheer volume of images presented; but it wasn't bad in that way. i read it and felt that it was more trying to be what it was then it was trying to express something. so i guess my main critique would be that; it portrayed a lot without saying much, and the execution was pretty spot on for that. the images really are, despite being so saturated, quite nice.

that being said, it perhaps wasn't so moving for me. i didn't have a revelation reading it. which i guess poetry doesn't have to be about revelations, but sometimes you finish a poem and you look up and the world feels different. permanently.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Nov 11, 2013,