#1
So I have been listening to some bands like August Burns Red, As I Lay Dying, Texas in July and For Today. I really like the concept of what they do in more positive types of metal. I don't mean to stir up any religious debates or anything of the sort, just wondering how these lyrics look because it is the first song I have ever wrote. Thanks for your time, here it is.


Don't underestimate the strength of the Divine,

Hear My Call (song goes into bridge/ instrumental piece)

Chorus:
Take refuge in Him The King of all
Judgement will come
The price paid for you in blood
IN BLOOD (solo then clean vocal)

The price paid for you in blood

I wear the armor given to me
I search for truth undeterred by all of the lies
We stand upright, together so we won't fall
Hear Our Call

Chorus:
Take refuge in Him The King of all
Judgement will come
The price paid for you in blood

The Shame
The Agony
The Suffering X2

Endured for you


Thanks again
Raconteurs Fan Guy
#2
Too transparent. There's a certain something that separates lyrics from prose, and this doesn't have it. This is just some guy telling you to worship Jesus, mixed in with some trite, shallow attempts at metaphors, like "armor", or "hear our call", or "we stand/won't fall".
#3
Well is there changes that could be made to it? I am going for Christian metal so it should have some message in it, am I wrong?
Raconteurs Fan Guy
#4
Quote by COREYTAYLOR721
I am going for Christian metal so it should have some message in it, am I wrong?

Exactly.
You have a clear message you want to convey. It might not be a popular message, but if you really believe in that message, and you're passionate about it, that puts you several steps ahead of most other bands. But the point of conveying your message through lyrics, instead of just writing a blog post, is that it gives you the power of poetry to enhance the message.
Use that power.
Check the stickied threads for suggestions on using poetic devices effectively, and pay special attention to the part about avoiding clichés. Nobody wants to hear the same stale metaphors and imagery that a million other bands have used. Yeah, we know Jesus paid for us. IN BLOOD! Yeah, we know you "won't fall", just like every power metal band ever. We've heard it all before. Find a new way to convey your message.
To answer your question more directly, this will likely need to be thrown out. Don't worry, everyone scraps their first few songs, or compositions, or sketches/paintings/photographs.
#5
Alright I see what you mean. Maybe it will be easier now since I kind of now what I need to do. Thanks for the advice.
Raconteurs Fan Guy