#1
The passenger seat wasn’t always taken. I remember you (among others) sitting there as I’d accelerate to nowhere while we listened to songs to which we’d sometimes hum along and other times ignored. We always had the ability to dispel the noisiest distortion to the background, because what mattered was the here and now, the words and memories, the silence and boredom, and, ultimately, the share – that we all face the same fears; seek aid in the same struggles; find the need to forgather and laugh or cry or even share the same silence in the same room, knowing if one of us looks to the side, there’ll be an escape out of any muddle. It’s a type of familiar tenderness only identified in particular exchanges: a palm rested on another’s arm; a light smile after a discernible tic; stumbling on one another while retelling a mutual event; knowing what’s remembered and what’s always forgotten and just laughing it off like fuck!, that’s all we have.

I remember getting lost each time we had agreed to rendezvous at your place. Now, I can map the path on a napkin, just like the one we left on the confectionary’s table; the one we had to share because it was the only one left in the package. As we’re leaving, you crossing your arms and I with hands in my pockets, you lean your head on my shoulder and your hair tickles my elbow. We always meet underneath jealous eyes and silenced phones and, if we were to be seen before that tiny couple of stairs by the entrance, we’d probably be wrongly accused, as I kiss your forehead and hug you, trying to save the most strength I can out of our farewell.
When will I see you again?
We’ll see.
– you wink.

I close the door. There’s a ghastly silence before I ignite the engine. The passenger seat is still taken, but empty, and, as the strength becomes more and more faint, life flows as naturally as the drive back home.
#2
i really didn't like the first stanza. compared with how the second one develops, it feels out of place in tone and execution. the second stanza is nice but maybe could be distilled into something a bit more focused and poignant; the image is there, the atmosphere. the ending here kind of bothered me. you already had a strong endnote in the second stanza, i think i'd rather it leave me off there. overall though, there's potential here, i can relate to this kind of moment.
#3
First off, thank you for your critique of my work. It was most helpful.

Alright now, to begin with I like this overall theme, and imagery. It creates a warm atmosphere, a night you can envision. It brings to my mind a Edward Hopper painting for me, maybe a Dashboard song for others.


The first stanza is a nice setup, but I feel like it might be a little too wordy. It is definitely the longest stanza in the piece, and really it says the least as far as what I would consider "meat".

the share – that we all face the same fears; seek aid in the same struggles;


For some reason I didn't like ring of the word 'share' here, and then when it is repeated so quickly, I really didn't like it.

'Seek aid' also I felt sounded unnatural.

The rest of the stanza reads fairly well, but I still feel there may be a bit too much, and it could use a few cuts.

The send stanza develops more, and becomes more engrossing.

As we’re leaving, you crossing your arms and I with hands in my pockets, you lean your head on my shoulder and your hair tickles my elbow. We always meet underneath jealous eyes and silenced phones and, if we were to be seen before that tiny couple of stairs by the entrance, we’d probably be wrongly accused, as I kiss your forehead and hug you, trying to save the most strength I can out of our farewell.


I really like this whole bit here, really nice. The 'save' in "save the most strength" read a little strange though, I almost feel that, Pull, or Squeeze, or something along those lines fits better, but maybe saves is really what you wanted and I just missed it.

Also you use 'on' twice, where I really feel like it should say 'in', once in the first stanza, once in the second.

The last bit there is a good wrap up, though if it were mine, I would have used "ghostly silence", and "life flows as natural as the drive back home."

Nice work though.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
Thank you, man. Really helpful critique! Thank you too, hippieboy444, I'll try to explain the difference between stanzas.

I need your help here. Could you say where I should've said "in" instead of "on" ? I sometimes get these all wrong. Other thing I'll consider is the natural/naturally change. In portuguese, naturally sounds better, but it may be a different linguistic approach.

So what I was trying to do in here was to make the first stanza kind of a cold analysis to setup the main, simple second stanza. The second stanza is where the action occurs, and the analysis can influence the reader's opinion over it. I was trying to get an uncomfortable feeling of relation between the reader and an ambiguous situation, influenced by the first stanza, throughout the piece. It's supposed to be relatable, but in a way you're not quite sure what you're relating with, but it should be a bit unsettling. The ending is crucial for that mood.

It may have not worked out as I planned though

Thank you both !
#5
No problem; both of these read better as in.

or even share the same silence on the same room,


it was the only one left on the package.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."