#1
your lips exhale the space between
the comfy seats and silver screen
and scrawl across the edge of dusk
reminding us to mask the fuss
with subtlety and rigmarole
we sweat the rhetoric and go
beyond the boundaries of despair
to see you in your underwear

they're asking us to think and fleet
of foot before exchange of drink
for sardonic commentary
sat on ambiguous stains
on an uncomfortable settee

the rock that burns the sky alight
steps up onto the stage
and enigmatic's not alright
when transparency's in age

the haute-couture snags breathing room
the mood begins to brood
ask anyone that was standing there
the man with wit went boom

she's asking me to think and fleet
of foot before we share a drink
a bargain for the commentary
sat on ambiguous stains
falling for the names

your lips exhale the silver screen
we sweat the rhetoric
the rock that burns the sky alight
the mood begins to brood

the haute-couture snags breathing room
enigmatic's not alright
she's asking me to think and fleet
testing my naughty with her nice
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 8, 2013,
#2
i really dislike the rhymes. i think that is a personal thing in poetry, that i just hate rhyming most of the time. but here, i don't find it to be working to your advantage. i find myself feeling like your word choice is dictated by the rhyme instead of coming from you, or your muse, or whatever. i didn't find this developed well either - there's wasn't a revelation for me, and i'm not trying to say every poem must be prophetic, but i have to find something new under the surface of the words. maybe i'll find more upon subsequent reads, but this was my third time.

that being said, the images are nice and there's potential here. i can tell there's a specific emotion you're wanting to get at, and it's not that it isn't there, but it's being obscured by the diction and the execution.