#1
vulgarly the crowd
hugs/
rubs me raw
er and rawer and i flair
up acne and gradually
they're smoother, 
vapidly smooth porcelain.

/////////////////////////////////


i am squeezing my imperfections with
leaden vice grip, over
critic' fingers when: dri
                       i
                      i
                     i
                    i
                   ip.
it is a nick in a china doll face 
a clink. a pus coarsing scratch 
spiderwebbing until______________
____________fr a  c   t    u     r      e


(they're all jostling andtouchingtouching
touchingtouchingtouchingtouchingtouchingt
ouchingtouchingtouchingtouchingtouchingto
uchingtouchingtouchingtouchingtouchingtou
chingtouchingtouchingtouchinsowhycantwe?)


had to use code tag to get the formatting, if anyone has a better way of of doing this please please tell me.
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at Nov 18, 2013,
#2
man i really enjoyed this. thank you for posting it.

my only gripe is the first two lines; 'hugs' feels out of place amongst the precision and control of the other word choices. somehow, it just stands out as incongruent with the rest.
#3
Thank you for the critique, i think the punctuation i used doesn't really represent how that word sits in my head. i may have a plan to fix it though.
#4
i want to add that the code formatting was cool compared to the general linearity of almost all other posts on here. i know i hardly ever use space conceptually in my poetry. it is refreshing.
#5
why "vapidly" where "vapid" would do? i don't know what you mean by "critic'" "coarsing" or the use of "they're" in the first stanza. "clink" was sort of awkward too. i think vice grip is used too often and leaden grip would probably resonate more on its own.

i like the typography. mostly it seems to slow down what you're doing and control pacing, but i think the accentuation of "drip" and "fracture" works well too. the whole piece crawls until the noisy, fast repetition of the end.
Last edited by brokencoastline at Nov 29, 2013,
#6
I'll try and explain a couple of those word choices.

"vapidly" because it leads into "smooth", it's part of the same image. "critic'" is meant to be kind of an abbreviation of critical. "coarsing" because coursing is too soft, it didn't fit the texture. "they're" is referring to the "crowd".

This was an attempt to convey exactly how the words look in my head, how it all comes together to how I feel about this. I'm not sure how well it's worked.

Thanks for taking the time to look in.