#1
ots

so-called cathartic screaming, now the blood in my heart is leaking -
i gave it some thought and concluded all of my thoughts are fleeting.
watch them wisp away through the open window, and baby girl i'm left
with everyone else casually thinking the solution to getting them back
is so simple. it's not easy when you're struck with feeling vengeful,
when the aesthetic temples in your mind feel the fissures and crumble.
i was once so blessed with a golden disposition, to see the very best in people,
but illnesses and ordinary sorrows, the mundane sadnesses that feel
so monumental got me feeling inconsequential. next week the rent's due
and the next day the work week starts on monday. my roommate's doing molly.
he asks me if i want a hit. i don't know, probably. maybe getting high will solve it for me,
maybe i'll see your face in my frontal lobe and i'll witness us both grow old
like how it was supposed to be. maybe we'll have a kid in college, another that's an artist
who's struggling with how to find his or herself while also struggling to find The One,
in time he or she'll realize the sadness we feel is not exclusive to some; i feel it too.
i feel it now, and the fact that you're not here makes me want to scream. or shout.
but i can't because i'm at a red light on the way to work and it's 7:52 inthemorning.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Nov 25, 2013,
#2
there was some new york poet (i can never remember his name) that wrote all his stuff as he walked to work in the mornings and i always thought that was an interesting creative process. i love the inclusion of the exact time. the present is always passing.

this gets better as it goes. lots of abstractions so close together in the first half made it harder to hold on to than the second. i don't like the first line as much as the rest of it. "the next day the work week starts on monday" reads a little awkwardly. your pacing & rhyme work well in the continuity of it but i think you lose that a little in this part:

Quote by SubwayToVenus

i was once so blessed with a golden disposition, to see the very best in people,
but illnesses and ordinary sorrows, the mundane sadnesses that feel
so monumental got me feeling inconsequential. next week the rent's due
and the next day the work week starts on monday.


i'm glad you write. i sort of wish the light changed and interrupted you at the end but this is still a wonderful moment and maybe that's all it should be.
#3
i agree with broken that this picks up quite a bit towards the middle and end. the first lines didn't stride with the same bravado that the end has. by about the third/fourth line, this gets going and the pacing feels good.

a few specific things i didn't like was the repetition of "thoughts" in the second line and "baby girl" in the third. also the line, "he asks me if i want a hit. i don't know, probably. maybe getting high will solve it for me" didn't feel like it belonged here. maybe that's just my personality talking.
#4
thanks for the feed, guys. i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to find the same emotional thrust behind anything i write unless it's written in 10/15 minutes or less. it seems like the more i try to sit down and thoughtfully articulate what i want to say, the less bouyant and passionate my writing feels. as a result, a lot of these "on-the-spot" lose a little logicality since i'm, as broken pointed out, throwing a lot of abstractions together within close proximity because that's how they're coming out of my mind at the time.

at any rate, i appreciate the kind words and constructive criticism alike. maybe one of these days i'll be able to take a step back to something forth that reads urgently but not chaotic
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Loved this!
The chaos that life is, while we are trying to uphold the illusion of normality and business as usual. Perhaps no other way to get to the essence, than by carving away everything we thought was real.
Thanks for the read.
#6
Quote by SubwayToVenus
thanks for the feed, guys. i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to find the same emotional thrust behind anything i write unless it's written in 10/15 minutes or less. it seems like the more i try to sit down and thoughtfully articulate what i want to say, the less bouyant and passionate my writing feels.


there's a style in that though. make immediacy and brevity work for you. whatever you need, i hope you can get back to a place with writing that feels right. shoot me a message about it if you want, i always find how we do what we do interesting.