#1
I have the right countenance,
one of a sun spotted lake you
swam in when you were young,
when you were you,
but in reverse.

When your sandwiches were always
soggy and your breath smelled like
mayonnaise.

When you were just a jumping off point for
all your lovers & all their love,

Though you are no longer the diving board,
but the divee.

It is an important distinction, I believe.

We are neither points of departure, nor
are we fixed points which everything else
maneuvers around.

When you arrive at this conclusion,
you should write to me, as I have the
right countenance, as I have the
proper disposition,

One of a sun spotted lake,
inviting you into the depths of my
space,

To swim,

To sleep,

To stay.
#2
the last stanzas, starting at "we are neither points…", could stand alone in my mind. they're so strong and their counterparts earlier in the poem feel clumsy and misplaced in contrast with their delicacy and precision. i really felt that the beginning five stanzas didn't introduce this well. certain words felt really awkward, especially divee and mayonnaise, which is weird cuz i really like mayonnaise. but the images and aesthetic of them is not really so grandiose that i felt i had to be introduced to them before i could get the revelation, if that makes sense. when you, at the end, recur with countenance and sun-spotted lake, i don't feel like it would have been lost on me if the beginning had not been there.

so anyway, the last parts are so strong; really beautiful stuff. thanks for the read. would be cool if you could take a look at the one below. been working at it a bit.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 3, 2013,
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
i really felt that the beginning five stanzas didn't introduce this well.



You're crazy. I was walking in a Norman Rockwell painting by the time I hit the meat of this piece.

I dug this a lot, Rush. I like this kind of stuff from you quite a bit.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
ehhh I really liked this. the full circle seems like it could be just a little more effective, but definitely works as is. the last 3 lines not being in the same stanza kind of bothered me visually. doesn't matter. I thought your imagery was very efficient throughout. well done
#5
looking back, those beginning ones actually function well. i think rooster makes a good point.
#6
Thanks. It's nice to see all of you are still around. I think the coming full circle bit lacks the bite/effect it should. I also struggled with the spacing of the last 3 lines. I'm going to go back and make a few edits soon.

Thanks for the words.
#7
for me it's countenance too. it kind of clashes phonetically. maybe hint of it before the ending, a half-rhyme or just something that shares it's qualities.

I've been reading here again for a few months but barely post. it was really nice to read you regularly. thank you.