bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
Join date: Mar 2007
2,031 IQ
#1
You know you've made it
when you can measure your success
by the bottles in the trash.
Cambria Chardonnay, Border Bourbon,
Spotted Cow, Breckenridge,
and a couple Miller Lite's.

A couple words on a page
aren't worth their weight these days
like they used to be.
No one seems to care
what a drunk has to say
quite like they used to.

Catch a buzz and write it down
doesn't seem to do the trick anymore.
It's hard to compete
with all these fedoras and mustaches,
as they fill the page with nothing
and empty out their glasses.

Light a cigarette.
put it out.
say you'll quit.
Light another.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Dec 5, 2013,
#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#2
****ing awesome. i might cut "No one seems to care,
what a drunk has to say,
quite like they used to. " as it seems redundant and implied by the rest, but the rest is gold.
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#3
I don't think I ever said this to you but I love your style. You're one of the few people I know who write about self-deprecation in a blunt way that sounds honest, without sounding whiny. I'm just gonna edit it to clean all the excessive punctuation. Hope you don't mind.


Quote by bluesybilly
You know you've made it
when you can measure your success
by the bottles in the trash.
Cambria Chardonnay, Border Bourbon,
Spotted Cow, Breckenridge,
and a couple Miller Lite's.

A couple words on a page
aren't worth their weight these days
like they used to be.
No one seems to care
what a drunk has to say
quite like they used to.

Catch a buzz and write it down
doesn't seem to do the trick anymore.
It's hard to compete
with all these fedoras and mustaches,
as they fill the page with nothing
and empty out their glasses.

Light a cigarette.
put it out.
say you'll quit.
Light another.


You don't need commas after every line. Do whatever you want with this
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,124 IQ
#5
i hate all the commas. otherwise, i would recommend replacing the title and using that line somewhere in the piece itself. as a title, it already tells me too much about what you're going to say.
nice read though, thanks.
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
Join date: Mar 2007
2,031 IQ
#6
Thanks guys, I took your advice on the commas. I tend to do that on every piece, bad habit I suppose.
ChemicalFire
King of Bacon Pancakes
Join date: Oct 2007
5,773 IQ
#7
Really like this, I don't know much about writing lyrics... but I know I like this.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#8
The honesty kills.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
8,469 IQ
#11
Just to add my two cents and say I don't believe I am in the same boat of enthusiasm as the rest. With pieces so on the nose as this I always believe there needs to be something aurally majestic, which I don't think really happens here. For me it's a bit flat. I mean, it's S+L gold, but I've been more interested by other things you've written and for me this was lacking a bit of pep. But I seem to be in the minority

Congrats
Carmel
Join date: May 2005
7,826 IQ
#12
I think the stanzas ruin the flow. This whole piece is one statement. I would make it so.

But this is great. Best I have read from you. I do favour writing under the influence, mind you.
This is not a pipe