#1
Walking into the room covered in eyes,
locked inside no one cares if you die.

All that I've said was once a lie,
stop looking at me I want to hide.

Running away from the room that stares,
they see my thoughts that I don't share.

Can't hide the feeling that no one cares,
please find a door this is too much to bare.

Free only to this massive open plane,
a whole new world of horrible amounts of strain.

So many people crying out in pain,
this cannot be real I must be insane.

This all started when I was four,
so many years I cannot take anymore.

Locked in my mind there is no door,
no possible way that I can ignore.

Now I am older,
the images got bolder.

My brain became a soldier,
telling me I that I controlled her.

The room full of eyes is now reality,
mayhem murder pain and hate is what they put in me.

Walk the plain of my mind and you would see,
your trapped and will never be free.

Videos of you killing them all,
stabbing your children and watching them fall.

Now you've hit that invisible wall,
collapse onto the floor and start to crawl.

Crying over the body of your wife,
looking at your children you ended their life.

Looking into your hand you have the knife,
incarcerated now now locked away all of your strife.

You only spent one day in my head,
now try to sleep in my bed.

Learn to prey for no dreams,
your mind tearing at the seems.

Find you aren't the fiend,
as he rips your bones clean.

He bites your face and rips your eyes out,
everyone is watching go ahead and shout.

No help is in route,
puts his hands in your mouth.

Pulls your jaw from your face,
can't run away frozen in place.

No running from my dream at any pace,
he will eat you alive until there is no trace.

Now your stuck in my mind just as I am,
now you know that you should have just ran.
#2
There are a lot of forced rhymes and cliches in this. See if you can get your message across in fewer, more precise words.
#3
I see what you mean, this was written a while back and I should have edited the forced rhymes. But if you could explain the cliches, that would be something I could definitely learn from.
#4
You know, there is a lot of talk about clichés and forced rhymes, but Bree, you need to draw the line between how far you'll compromise with your song lyrics and how individual you want to remain. You're writing is your own as long as it comes from your own thoughts so when someone says it's cliché, maybe it is... in THEIR mind. I'm not saying that I wouldn't agree, but I'm also saying that these lyrics are your own and you don't need to conform to what other people think they should be. Obviously you should take constructive criticism, but it's up to you to figure out how far you'll go to please people. You just need to remember that no matter what, you can't make everyone happy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kindness is a language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.
-Mark Twain