#1
So, basically I hate my lyric writing, it's easily the WEAKEST part of my song writing process. So I thought the best way of learning, was the just force my way through the lyrics I'm writing for a track and just see what you guys think. So here are the lyrics for my song "One Last Manhattan":

Can I buy you a drink I said,
As you smiled and turned away.
We have time for just one more,
Before this night eats us whole.

Your voice was the sound of twisting steel.
I guess that drink will have to wait.
Untill then we have Salt Water.
Chilled by the coldest ice.

I hear it was liver failure,
But I think I know better.
So many can't drink themselves
to death in just one night.

Can I buy you I drink I said...

Can I buy you I drink I said...


Can I buy you a drink I said,
Just one to pass the night.
Just one last Manhatten.
Whilst you're on the rocks.
This is just a vacant room;
Given up on their party.
But no one makes it home this time.
There's no one left to impress.

I'll wait it out 'till the end.
Last orders can't last all night.
I'll drain one last glass.
And I'll sink into the moon.

You want to buy me a drink? you said,
As you looked me in the eye.
Not if you were the only man on this ghost ship
And I was the only ghost.

(And here's the gp5 file of the actually song if you're interested: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/19504966/For%20My%20Demons/Finish%20Songs/One%20Last%20Manhatten.gp5)

So what can I do to do better? Be honest, be brutal; I'm trying to learn here!
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#2
I really like the music, but the lyrics are just wtf. The absence of rhymes is strange.. okay, it is sung, but, You should write it like you would write a poem. And you could be more abstract. And... I don't know. But the music is good!
#3
Quote by arkhon2408
I really like the music, but the lyrics are just wtf. The absence of rhymes is strange.. okay, it is sung, but, You should write it like you would write a poem. And you could be more abstract. And... I don't know. But the music is good!


Haha thanks man, and I've got about an EP's worth of stuff similar to this, but I can't get anything done because I just can't get the lyrics right!

As for the rhymes and abstractions... well I don't exactly want to argue against critique but I'm going for a narrative vibe in this song. In part it's about the sinking of the Titanic, in part it's about troubled romance. I won't to be sort of obvious as to the meaning, even if the story itself isn't very fleshed out.

And I just don't really like rhymes in heavy music, it always sounds a little childish to me, then again I could play with different schemes.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Dec 13, 2013,
#4
Couldn't open the GP file so I can just comment on the lyrics.

First off, I don't mind it doesn't ryhme, a lot of lyrics don't. It's about the delivery of the story.
That being said, I think this is a weaker point.

Personally I like lyrics to be more abstract: let the listener find out what the song is about.
Unless you want to write about something very specific (which is the case here I presume), Then your lyrics need to be on point and I am missing out on something here, can't pinpoint what...

That being said. I really like this part:

I'll wait it out 'till the end.
Last orders can't last all night.
I'll drain one last glass.
And I'll sink into the moon.

You want to buy me a drink? you said,
As you looked me in the eye.
Not if you were the only man on this ghost ship
And I was the only ghost.

All in all I think you did a good job, I can't even write lyrics half as good
#5
Is it perhaps that it's abstract in a confusing way? As if you feel like you should know what's going on but you don't?
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!