#1
hi peoples Im new on here just looking for a place to be heard and spread the word. Not new to writing in general but new to songwriting. My #1 inspirations for my work are Dave Grohl, Trent Reznor, and Thom Yorke, to name a few. Hoping to get some feedback from other more seasoned songwriters. Let me know your guys' thoughts!

infiltraiter, mind alternater
Intimidator, screw all the haters
Test of time, the chronic lapse
Running tracks around the past
a losing race, lets replace
That smug look as off your godamn face

Retrace it bacm to you
Like youve done much better
Write a leeter to tje editor
The self-serving promotion
Trip on your words
And mince mine, now tell me
What gave you that notion?

Old wick with a new flame
Our claim to a new fame,
fast fixated on the prize
The lies our eyes keep telling us, why?

REFRAIN
Break the mask
Rehash the past
Our pride fades fast, will it last?
We seek the truth
The familiar sleuth
Where do you want to be?
When this noose takes a life,
We're strangled by this tregedy.

A means to an end
We turn a bend
Will we stay friends
You simple godsend?
Youre not so tough,
Ive had enough
Dangle the rope
now pull it away
Will that stop us, no no
Not today!
#2
Perhaps the title could use some work, but I was really hoping i would get some feedback from you guys. 80 people have looked at my work, but no one is willing to give me some critique? Cmon dudes..
#3
Infiltraiter, mind alternater
Intimidator, screw all the haters
Test of time, the chronic lapse
Running tracks around the past
a losing race, lets replace
That smug look as off your godamn face This line doesn't make sense to me, maybe "that smug look on your goddamn face"

Retrace it bacm to you
Like youve done much better
Write a leeter to tje editor
The self-serving promotion
Trip on your words
And mince mine, now tell me
What gave you that notion?

Old wick with a new flame
Our claim to a new fame,
fast fixated on the prize
The lies our eyes keep telling us, why?

REFRAIN
Break the mask
Rehash the past
Our pride fades fast, will it last?
We seek the truth
The familiar sleuth
Where do you want to be?
When this noose takes a life,
We're strangled by this tregedy.

A means to an end
We turn a bend
Will we stay friends
You simple godsend? I really liked this line
Youre not so tough,
Ive had enough
Dangle the rope
now pull it away
Will that stop us, no no
Not today!


Firstly, it's a good thing to proofread/spellcheck your work before posting (this is peppered with spelling mistakes) as this makes it more appealing read and therefore easier to critique, especially as some writers use deliberately different spelling.

My next comment is with regard to rhyme: good job for keeping a consistent pattern throughout as that's what you were going for ( it's not something I can do very often) but a lot of the rhymes you use feel forced. By that I mean that it seems like you've been restricted in your flow of ideas by the need to incorporate rhyme, for example: "We seek the truth
The familiar sleuth"
In this case the two images don't have a strong enough link to really flow, and the rhyming pattern has restricted you to writing in phrases (this is a technique in itself so that could have been what you were aiming for"

Even so in a piece this length it would add some variety if you mixed it up a bit, maybe by throwing in a sentence that fits across a couple of lines or more.

I also think that this piece is kind of lacking in direction and coherence because of the writing in phrases.

Also you rely quite heavily on cliche ideas and concepts, the best way I find to avoid this is to give a personal element to every bit of imagery, really concentrate on giving something of yourself. You may find writing shorter pieces a helpful exercise in working that out.

I know what it's like starting out at writing, we all do, and you shouldn't be disheartened by my extensive comments, there's some cool imagery in this, just keep practicing: it's the only way to get good. Also feel free to disregard some/all of what I've said, writing is subjective after all
#4
Yes, some of my favorite artists, NIN for example, often use rhymes in their music as a way of self expression I guess I tried to mirror that in a way. I forgot to avoid clichés, I guess song goes for any writing. I very much appreciate the feedback it was much needed. Ive been having little bursts of poetic genius every noe and again in which I will jot Down an awesome phrase. I can post those too at some point. I w4ote a poem thing for my dad when he passed away and it is has little cliches, doesn't always rhyme, and still flows with
Strong fluidity. BTW, what do you mean by this?

Even so in a piece this length it would add some variety if you mixed it up a bit, maybe by throwing in a sentence that fits across a couple of lines or more.

I also think that this piece is kind of lacking in direction and coherence because of the writing in phrases.
#5
As each line is an individual, new phrase or image the piece is very flat: extending an image across multiple lines or starting a new image/concept somewhere other than the start of the line would give more dynamic interest.

The piece doesn't move along from one place to another, almost every line stands as its own with the only link ever employed being implied comparison, you need to try and use more flow of ideas. Images should link together and lead into each other, almost like a conversation or a more casual flow of thought.

I hope this is a bit clearer.
#8
Quote by Foofighter1992
Perhaps the title could use some work, but I was really hoping i would get some feedback from you guys. 80 people have looked at my work, but no one is willing to give me some critique? Cmon dudes..


you have to give some critique to receive it bro. that's how it works here.
So give some critique to other lyrics (and not just: Sounds good bro) and then post a link in the same comment you put your critique in, to your song so people have easy access.
My Soundcloud

My beginner rig:

Epiphone Goth G-400 SG
Line 6 Spider IV (Don't judge me, I was young and stupid)
Stagg SW203N
Yamaha APX500
Last edited by BjarnedeGraaf at Feb 6, 2014,