#1
eiffel stood skyright,
unread. tower
ing girder rivets
as words 
         -four months rust.

four months
i never meant to stand.

four months
you were twice 
france (like
cr
umbl
ing). i was s
creeching metal/unfolded con
crete 
      -i never meant to stand.


in this mo/
         /nu/
           /ment of


four months


i never under/
            /stood.
#2
I wasn't happy with this, so I reworked it quite a bit.


four months
i never meant to stand
--------------------------------

you were twice
france (like
cr
umbl
ing). i was s
creeching metal/unfolded con
crete


and

eiffel

stood skyright,
unread. tower
ing rivet
words-

four months rust
flaking like croissant.
#3
once this picked up (after the crumbling part), this really flows with bravado and intent. the tact of your word choice really is great (unfolded concrete, skyright, rivet, flaking). this speaks with a wise hesitation and, as i mentioned, intention. i really enjoyed this. i appreciate your experimentation with the enjambments and placement as well; it's under-utilized and i found it to be conducive for this piece. i can tell it thought-out.

i guess i would mention that the beginning is a bit slow. having two lines and then the separation seemed odd to me, as you haven't really developed much to separate it so sharply and early. otherwise, great read, thanks.
#4
I must say I prefer your first version. The second one in more restrained, it feels as if you were forced to edit it somehow. The first one feels more complete in some way.

Also, I didn't like the way you inserted the word "croissant" in there. I get it, it's about France, but it feels more like a reference in my face and it comes off sounding unsubtle. It's almost as if you looked at it and thought "it's not french enough ! >.<"

That said, I really love the first one. I mean it.
#6
hmmm this is interesting, I originally thought I'd over done the repetition in the first version and that is wasn't doing anything. Now I've read it again I'm not so sure. Thanks for looking in guys.
#7
i actually like the croissant ending, even if it's a little excessive. it's more evocative and i think "i never understood" is a bit of a cop-out as an ending. otherwise the second version does feel over-simplified.

i think if you took the first version, cut down the repetition of "four months" to some extent and worked in the second ending, this could be stronger.
#8
i like your economical use of words. also like the typography, adds a pause that i like. also with 'crumbling' being spread between three lines provoked a stronger imagery.

i'm not sure if i quite understand this piece. my level of reading isn't very high though. but your imagery is excellent and i like your setup and flow, if that means anything to you.

if you could take a look at this, i would appreciate it... its a quick read and fairly simple, but i need some direction

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1629375