#1
in the caverns of my youth
exploding with twisted shrapnel speed,
i dislodge this brittle ribcage:
i pull it from amongst the stone, cracking
fragile memories that shatter
across the cave floor like ice
frozen to the marrow.

i am what was written upon these walls
in the blood of early mammals:

a machine without memory,
continents of unexplored mythology
tracing a fine line through history,
a sudden lurch in geography
splintering hillsides and sediment.

(once,
i believed in the safety of belief
itself a mystery; how affectionate
it felt draped across my chest
like a war banner. )

opening it up,
here i have located the heart,
and here the lungs aching for breath:
an apparatus of clustered tones
fluttering to an ancient rhythm, an impatient ostinato
climbing the sound of your name endlessly
without resolution

without remainder.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jan 5, 2014,
#3
The correct formatting really makes this, and I prefer the version with the lines omitted as I like the pacing better. I'm a sucker for the phrase "i am..." in a piece and this was good read.
#4
i agree that the pace of the formatted piece is better and brings an emphasis that this unformatted one lacks. i do like the additional imagery in the first stanza on this one a lot though, but it's a little verbose and not particularly necessary in the scheme of things.

that being said, i really enjoyed the dramatic quality this piece evoked. articulate and nicely done.
Last edited by Dregen at Jan 7, 2014,
#5
i forgot that the formatted post lacked the ending four lines in the first stanza. i'm not very partial to them; i was more focused on getting the formatting displayed. thanks for the crits, i'll keep an eye out for your pieces.