#1
when you take Loneliness on a date,
you have to be ready an hour early
even though he’ll be late by half an hour
at least; and he’ll show up
with his shirt untucked,
the unironed hems looking like battered flags;
and you have to be careful
not to step on his toes.

when you take Loneliness on a date,
she’ll speak tiredly of her day,
how silently the ghosts of people she works with
drifted in and out of rooms and small *******s
desperately feeling for the outline
of an invisible context, an elephant in a closet
the hinges bursting with grey flesh;
and she’ll order white wine and sip it
in flashes of brilliance that betray her sunken cheeks.

he’ll look you in the eye, but with a faded expression,
one of an old show horse, simple but lame,
forgotten in the midst of flashbulbs and rowdy reports
always trying to pin down a made-up timeline:
first we met, then we kissed two weeks later,
on your mom’s porch, in april; then we
made love late that summer, when the cicadas
were so loud the sound almost lifted us from the mattress
like a still life in pointillism, The Kiss but with less gold;
you looked so happy then, he suggests faintly
tossing glances away from you;

you wonder how you fell in love with him.

when you take Loneliness home,
you put on the tea kettle
and you sit in the ******* until midnight,
looking at one another, searching in the flashes
of memories and glances toward the passenger seat
for a precise moment, a concrete detail:
when you feel out of love. and
perhaps bill evans strings out a few purple emotions
from the ceiling and the stovetop, a mock-celebration
of an anniversary no one has marked, or could remember;
and he stands on his tip-toes here, and bends over there
tucking love and hope and glory in the crevices
between the appliances, the salt shaker,
the window
and he plucks the innocence from the lines on your brow
and the suffering from the heart of Loneliness
and he poses one solemn question amongst the oak in your lives:
as you gaze into the soft pools of Loneliness’ eyes,
and see your reflection,
you ask
why won’t you love me.

Last edited by hippieboy444 at May 1, 2014,
#2
Publish your stuff so I can buy it. If this doesn't get WotW then the world is a hand basket that's already descending and half-singed.
#3
the first stanza is nice, tight, puntuated, and reads like it says what you want it to. the rest gets lost in itself and seems more like a gimmick than a bearing of witness. you have something here, but I really think it needs to be tightened up. cut that fat and you'll have a great piece.
#4
that was my worry with this idea - it's a bit obvious, a bit novelty, to say the least. this is solidly first draft material so i'll sit on it a while and see what comes up.
#6
your constructive criticism is much appreciated. with such well-reason observations and tactful explanations, i cannot help but reconsider the poetic intent of this piece.

seriously, does UG let just anyone hang around and post? the only downfall to being on a forum, i guess.
#8
Quote by hippieboy444
your constructive criticism is much appreciated. with such well-reason observations and tactful explanations, i cannot help but reconsider the poetic intent of this piece.

seriously, does UG let just anyone hang around and post? the only downfall to being on a forum, i guess.


Yes, but how could it be otherwise?

I thought your song / poem was very good and I look forward to reading further drafts.
#9
Quote by hippieboy444
your constructive criticism is much appreciated. with such well-reason observations and tactful explanations, i cannot help but reconsider the poetic intent of this piece.

seriously, does UG let just anyone hang around and post? the only downfall to being on a forum, i guess.


Loved it, never really read anything like this before.
The only thing (and I think it's a typo?) is this:

"you wonder how you feel in love with him."

shouldn't that be

"you wonder how you fell in love with him." ?

Other than that. Brilliant.
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#11
I loved it, Nice meaning full line. Something i felt is the first stance is simple but the last one is little complicated. i don't know how to express it