#1
The empty moon


The empty moon was floating
without a world
and the people dancing
within


a
body
bending
night
sk
y


And we were two, just you and I
Thus the void corresponding
with your presence, something you said..

"as if communicating, transmitting thoughts
I know you by mere gestures"

And there it was
That empty expression
foraging between
its space...


There's something eerie and overwhelming
when I walk alone with you

yor tapestry looming
ever so still
Last edited by Eccer at Jan 18, 2014,
#2
the ending of this is so strong; it evokes a very personal moment. the parts preceding it, however, seem less coherent and involved with the piece. the more i look it over, the more i'm thinking it has to do mainly with the stanza preceeding the last bit ("and there it was…its space"). it seems divorced from the rest in my mind; perhaps it's just me. but i think you could replace that stanza particularly, and perhaps revise the parts of the beginning for a bit more clarity, not only in words but in organization (the staggered, one-word-per-line bit was jarring in comparison to the rest). you've got a great ending though; wonderful. thanks for the read.
#3
Thank you so much, your tips makes me reconsider. However as much as I respect your opinion, I don't think I want to change this right now. This piece brings a very personal feeling, and if I gave it more clarity, I feel it would loose its purpose. Oh, and I changed the one word stanza a little bit, I wanted it to actually "look" like a body hah.

However I might be too narrow minded with this, I will inspect it some more....thanks hippieboy! : )
Last edited by Eccer at Jan 18, 2014,
#4
hey no worries, my thoughts are strictly that: my own. dont get caught up in pleasing others if they dislike what you value.
#5
every new line should "advance" the poem in some way. advance in this case meaning add a new layer, like an onion. these layers can be as simple as images or as complex as extended metaphors and other literary devices. there are some lines in the first half of this that do not add anything new to the poem. this is partly because the poem is so vague it gives the reader no place to enter into it and therefore makes it impossible to build upon. break it down for yourself: what does the second stanza add to the first? what does the forth line add to the third? why break the sky into two lines? how do any of these things "advance" the arc of the poem? where are the places the reader should be able to find themselves in the poem? are there any places that make it more difficult or too complicated for the reader to enter? there are a lot of good things going on here but i think your writing on the whole could hit much harder if your poems showed more intention in their construction.
#7
Hm hm hm hm

I guess my intention with this is too clouded then. I meant to break that "y" as to make that whole stanza look like a figure of a body. "a body" meaning the moon "bending night sky" -- ebb & flo. Or whatever meaning you conjure from that. I really appreciate your thoughts on this, and believe me. I do agree with you on the onion thing. I guess this piece is more about finding myself than letting people experience it.

But nevertheless, I will give this some more pondering.
Last edited by Eccer at Jan 20, 2014,
#9
I like both.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
my nitpicky revision would be to remove each of the ands, remove "
And we were two, just you and I", and remove "And there it was." Don't think you lose any substance by cutting that fat. I would also make sure the punctuation is constant throughout the piece. reads weird to have commas in two stanzas and no punctuation in the other two. Might also think about aligning it on the left as opposed to the center (but since you're dealing with symmetry that's your call on which form best represents function). my quick editing two cents.
#12
This is very insightful, it's the kind of information garden owners could use to improve their methods so that the environment is spared too of any form of damage.
_______________
view here web
#13
If there was a proper thumbs up emoticon on this site I'd post it, however you'll just have to settle with the sentiment in words. Great read.