#1

[size="2"] "yes, i have
  traversed the
  cavern," the cartographer
  says; "i will do
  everything in my power
  to help you find the
  way through"


 "please..." 
  i plead, "please
            tell
                me"

 
 
 "as you
  wish, young 
  traveler. with
  every step 
    further into
       its depths,"

  the man continues,
          "you will feel the 
           walls smoothen as 
           they begin to glaze-
           immaculate and unspoiled
           by contact


           you will sleep on the
           bedrock, each night more
           comforting as the terra
           cotta turns soft, wet
           and loam


           and after two days the 
           echo will brighten, rising
           steadily upward; this
           sound indicates two more
           remaining"
 


  with this knowledge,
  i undertake a
  slow crawl through
  the ink black 
  tunnel


  there was
       nothing to be
            seen, so
  i feel-
      (the walls:
            smooth as the finest glass i had ever sipped)

  i sleep-
      (on the bedrock:
            soft as the most supple cushion i had ever laid upon)

  i heard-
      (the echo:
            bright as the lullaby of a soprano virtuoso)
 


  two days
  later, the tunnel
  expands in 
  a glossy fuschia,
  showcasing a 
  hospital skyscraper
  ceiling
              and my aching legs stand
              and my wanting nostrils fill
                                with the aroma of 
                                fresh hemlock leaves...
  my ascending figure is
  a silhoutte in the 
  blinding sunlight;
  i make a dead sprint
  toward the cavern
  exit


  then, 

  slipping...             ...falling.
 
                         an anvil

                         plunge

               two fictions 
           
             deep,

      into the 

trench-


everything became
post-mortem at
the precise
moment my 
spine snapped 
and guts
sp-
ill
-ed


it wasn't until then that i realized


the cartographer 
had been 
blind
all of
this
time[/SIZE]


edit: changed 'elegant' on the 'i sleep-' stanza to 'supple'. there's an obvious sort of alliteration going on with the whole section now... not sure how i like the flow yet. but i think definitively, the word works better.
Last edited by Dregen at Jan 21, 2014,
#3
Quote by #1 synth
parts of this i felt were a little heavy handed (soft as an elegant cushion and the ending). that said, it was a great read.


yeah, the cushion line in particular does feel cheesy... but i respectfully disagree with you regarding the ending though.

that being said- thank you, i appreciate your feedback.
#4
Officially by far the best thing I've come across on this forum. Well done. The ending was effectively abrupt and macabre, I shall also respectfully disagree with synth on that one.

The pillow thing was a little bit of a down-turn, but I think it was specifically the word 'elegant'. I think a word that carries connotations of comfort and sleep would have been more appropriate than one that suggests luxury. Since this seems to have a very dream-like atmosphere, I think a 'sleepier' word; so to speak, would have been better. May involve restructuring the sentance though, see how that works out.
Vinland, Vinland Über Alles

"Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is create the perfect genetic soldier!"
#6
Quote by Meli2235
This is a song?


Not just songs get posted here. poems and other lyrical things too
My Soundcloud

My beginner rig:

Epiphone Goth G-400 SG
Line 6 Spider IV (Don't judge me, I was young and stupid)
Stagg SW203N
Yamaha APX500
#8
Also songs don't have to follow strict rhyming schemes, surely you all have heard of Tom Waits? Or, come on, Bob Dylan? I could go on for days listing musicians that don't stick to boring ryhming schemes.
Vinland, Vinland Über Alles

"Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is create the perfect genetic soldier!"
#9
Quote by EqualOfHeaven
Officially by far the best thing I've come across on this forum. Well done. The ending was effectively abrupt and macabre, I shall also respectfully disagree with synth on that one.

The pillow thing was a little bit of a down-turn, but I think it was specifically the word 'elegant'. I think a word that carries connotations of comfort and sleep would have been more appropriate than one that suggests luxury. Since this seems to have a very dream-like atmosphere, I think a 'sleepier' word; so to speak, would have been better. May involve restructuring the sentance though, see how that works out.


thanks tbh i'm pretty surprised to hear that.

and yeah, elegant definitely isn't a very fitting term. i'll revise it sometime soon.

Quote by Meli2235
This is a song?


yes because i'm avant-garde as fuck

(...just kidding)

Quote by EqualOfHeaven
Also songs don't have to follow strict rhyming schemes, surely you all have heard of Tom Waits? Or, come on, Bob Dylan? I could go on for days listing musicians that don't stick to boring ryhming schemes.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Fju9o8BVJ8

probably not a good example really, but i'm not well-versed in Waits' repertoire. i just love this song