#1
Hi All, I have a new song in English that i'll really like that Native English speaker people will hear it + There is some "complain" about my simple lyrics, what do you think?

Lyrics:
All she said you and me
All she said meant to be
All she gave me reason to bealive
When she said she will never live

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now

All she said hold me tiet
When we stay up all night
All she said trust in me
All I have Is what she said to me

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now

The wind you feel I feel it to
The sky you see Is not just for you
We are on the same road Don't turn your head away
Maybe some day....

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now

The song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUmkbv-v-vI

Thanks
#2
Quote by AmirMaor


Lyrics
All she said (was?) you and me
All she said meant to be
All she gave me reason to bealive (Is this be alive as in living or believe as in faith?)
When she said she will never live (is this supposed to be live or leave?)

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now

All she said (was?) hold me tight
When we stay (stayed?) up all night
All she said trust in me
All I have Is what she said to me

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now

The wind you feel I feel it too (not a big deal just a grammar rule to/too)
The sky you see Is not just for you
We are on the same road Don't turn your head away
Maybe some day....

Where are you now
What are you doing to me
Where are you now



Those are my edits on it. Though they are just assuming you wanted it corrected fully.
Artistic freedom is of course a factor and I don't believe you have to have completely proper English with lyrics. (So long as you don't devolve into radio rap. )

Good luck and I enjoyed the lyrics, by the way.
#3
OK, Tnx,
But the quition was more like if it's OK to say it and how I say it, like if there is a text mistake it doesn't matter(at list to this issue )

So, what interesting me is what you write in the start "All she said (was?) you and me",
is it a bad ENGLISH, LIKE YOU CAN'T SAY IT WITHOUT THE "WAS"?

As far as this "All she gave me reason to bealive (Is this be alive as in living or believe as in faith?)",
Good point, I never though about it like "be alive" witch is nice, lol.

about "When she said she will never live (is this supposed to be live or leave?)" --> it's leave (leaving you..)

Tnxxx
#4
Quote by AmirMaor


So, what interesting me is what you write in the start "All she said (was?) you and me",
is it a bad ENGLISH, LIKE YOU CAN'T SAY IT WITHOUT THE "WAS"?



Sorry for the late reply. Been busy.

You could say it like that if you wanted to, but I've never heard anybody speak like that, unless they were really drunk or something. :P
#5
I took a class from pat pattison, and one thing I've learned is, unstable subject, unstable song...in other words, don't use perfect rhymes all the time, and vary the length of the lines. A shorter line than the one it goes to gives it a need to listen more, longer gives it a spotlight on what you're saying at that moment. And also the way it's said. Don't worry about saying something that doesn't fit right in the line because that adds to the creativity. Take good life from one republic, the lyrics in the second verse don't fit. That's creative.
#6
All she said is -break- you and me
All she said -break- we're meant to be
All she gave me reason to bealive
When she said she will never live

Where are you now
What are you doing to me (hold the note of me a half and eighth not when singing)
Where are you now

All she said hold me tiet
While we stay up -break- through the night
All she said -break- is trust in me
All I have Is what she said to me

Where are you now
What are you doing to me (background sing "can you tell me")
Where are you now

The wind you feel I feel it to
The sky you see Is not just for you
We are on the same road Don't turn yourself away
Maybe some day.... <---(make sure listener knows what every lyric talks about)

Where are you now
Tell me -break- you're doing to me
Where are you now


Best of luck, this is a beautiful song I really like it. Remember one thing..well two...stay in one time (past present or future) and one point of you (I love you, she loves you, they love you, or we love you)
#7
Quote by AmirMaor
OK, Tnx,
But the quition was more like if it's OK to say it and how I say it, like if there is a text mistake it doesn't matter(at list to this issue )

So, what interesting me is what you write in the start "All she said (was?) you and me",
is it a bad ENGLISH, LIKE YOU CAN'T SAY IT WITHOUT THE "WAS"?

As far as this "All she gave me reason to bealive (Is this be alive as in living or believe as in faith?)",
Good point, I never though about it like "be alive" witch is nice, lol.

about "When she said she will never live (is this supposed to be live or leave?)" --> it's leave (leaving you..)

Tnxxx

Actually, I like the absence of the was/is (whatever time it's in), it adds to the emotion, but the issue is he needs to keep at it through the entire song so people get it.
#8
"but the issue is he needs to keep at it through the entire song so people get it."
I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean here...

Tnx for the comment.
#9
I tried to change it (sing it) with a new word, it sound even worse, I think i'll keep the song the way it is.

Tnx for the help guys