#1
'Compos Mentis', he said
Upon regular occasions
In-between a joke, or this...or that
'I fear he's made an impression'
She'd say
How could he not?
I'd reply indignantly
Or at least quietly ponder-
retrospectively.
We share so much...Chemistry
Chemistry?
Chemistry.
I'm twelve substances in
No luck yet
But he is long gone
Now my reality drifts
With the ebb and flow of unity,
Between jokes, and this...and that
I think I understand his repetition now
Compos Mentis.
#2
I really enjoyed this, I especially found the repetition of chemistry effective. My only suggestion is that this could maybe benefit from a bit more space, whether that is in the form of stanza breaks or something else, I think it would lend a bit more weight to certain areas.

Anyway, I look forward to reading you again.
#4
I've been writing for a little while but i stopped for a long time because i was content with other things, i've recently picked it back up though, everything i post on here is new material
#5
Agree w/ doubtfulsalmon - it's crying out for more space on the page; that, or it needs its punctuation re-jigging.

There are a lot of pronouns in a very short space of time. These characters need exploring. I think that this is a very good jumping-off point for something that is in its first draft.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#6
Thanks for the advice, it definitely needs a few stanzas/ spreading out a little,

By 'explore these characters' do you mean lend a bit more context as to who is the 'she' and the 'he'?
Last edited by Glyph- at Feb 20, 2014,
#8
I really feel like theres more to say about this story. so it feels unfinished to me. that being said, I loved it. keep it up
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#9
it is meant to be open to allow the reader to connect the dots with their own experiences i prefer poetry that you can find a message in rather than poems that give you a message

but in context there is an intertwining poem (maybe two) that will join to this one, i just havent finished them yet