#1
Here is a song i'm working on. It is not done.

...

How is life going for you these days? Are you so happy there that you forgot about the rest?
You probably ain't gonna read this babe, but lord if you do, put down your shades and porn, take a walk and think this trough
For a while

Are you the big almighty one? Did you construct a stone that's to heavy for yourself to lift?
The lost ones are striving on your stone, but it seems to me you have enough with you and yourself
after all

(Chorus)
Maybe ill' end up that place and maybe you'll see
That your horrid decisions make it best we don't believe

Oh lord, maybe i will end up there with you? And if you don't answer me now, maybe that time you'll do
Because somewhere under the rainbow, life is wrong and unfair
So get those hips to work and get off your golden chair

And don't get carried away with all your neat little friends up there, as they make a welcome when funerals are about to begin


...

It is written as a letter to God about how horrible and unfair this world is, and why he dosen't do anything about it, even if he claims he is almighty. I'm not religious myself, it was just taken in perspective that ha actually exist (witch i cant proove 100% that he don't anyway). It was more in a religious person loosing his/ her fate. This is a lyric for a school project. I'm a total beginner so i could need some advice. :-)
Last edited by Usernames sucks at Feb 21, 2014,
#2
wasn't bad. i was expecting angst and immaturity but this had none of that.

the "babe" bit is bothering me though
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#4
Quote by Usernames sucks
What does confessional really mean? English is not my first language.


It's the same as admitting something.

Say you cheated on a girl, and you tell her, that is a confession/admitting something
Or more to the point of your lyrics: Religion

Catholics confess things they have done wrong in their churches.
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My beginner rig:

Epiphone Goth G-400 SG
Line 6 Spider IV (Don't judge me, I was young and stupid)
Stagg SW203N
Yamaha APX500
#6
I enjoyed this as well. I think it was a rather interesting point of view. I have to say I was kind of off put by the word babe as well. Its not the word so much as its use, it seems to reduce some focus from the lyrics. It would be interesting if perhaps you made it a confession to his loved one though, but right now it just alters some directions of the lyrics.

Also some recommendations I would suggest would be to make some references to whatever religion the character is loosing faith in. I assumed Christianity, which means you could make references to things the "crushing of the serpents head" or "splitting the sea." When I heard the word rainbow I assumed it was a reference between God's covenant with Moses's family after the flood. This helps to show the author was in fact religious before this period of doubt. Keep in mind I'm speaking from the opinion of a religious person though

Overall I think this piece has potential. What style of music were you going to put this to by the way?

Oh and return critique if you are interested-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1633272
#7
Thanks. It wil be a ompa-tom waits sounding song with rusty low vocals. What word can i use instead of babe? And i think the lost souls part is stupid. What can i say as a synonym to lost souls?
Last edited by Usernames sucks at Feb 22, 2014,