#1
Caudate, for Key West

I'm older now and i don't have
all the memories i wanted
but the tracks in the rain
from the car ahead hold
a trail just long enough to pull
me along, through unapologetic main
street, sectors of tanking local businesses
bus stops that bring strangers closer together
than rapt sin and whatever else you left for,
so while the better of us is draining days
south of the winter, I follow, by proxy,
a stranger for a few blocks and
soon he parts ways with tonight, with me
waiting for something to happen before i get home,
slingshot into memories
of words and music that try to capture just this:
nowhere to be that you can't bare to miss
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
Jimi, I love you, but what do you have against full stops ?

I really liked this, however, I think that, many times, your punctuation ( or lack of ) gets in the way. Especially when your line breaks are in the middle of sentences, and you start some sentences in the middle of lines. Some full stops would really help, because sometimes I just stumble when I realize "oh, I should've stopped here."

I really think it will help your flow, although I feel kinda bad giving you advice over things that you most probably already know, since you're a way better poet than I am.

Still, I think you should consider.
#3
^I love the stumbling feel the first few times you read it, you have to really get to know it before it flows perfectly. I think if you even put one or two full stops in it would ruin it.
#6
for a long while I was worried that our poetry will always be influenced by the likes of Death Cab and Bright Eyes. I don't worry about that too much anymore. We are champions of a forgotten age Jimi m'dear.
#8
thanks a lot guys, i've been reading your stuff. i'm hoping to comment more.

Quote by seventh_angel
I feel kinda bad giving you advice over things that you most probably already know, since you're a way better poet than I am.

that's where you're wrong

Still, I think you should consider.

that's where you're right

you know, I've had people say after me sending them something and then later hearing me read it, that they didn't think I could possibly read it properly, but said they were surprised my breaths held up so long and that it made sense after hearing me read it myself, so maybe there's something that's not quite translating onto the page from how i hear it. i'll see if i can work on that. jamie mentioned rhyme and sound, so i went to write something (this) with some attention to that. now you mention pace, so i just wrote something with a couple periods in it for you i'll wait a day or two for these to slide back down the page before posting it i suppose

for a long while I was worried that our poetry will always be influenced by the likes of Death Cab and Bright Eyes. I don't worry about that too much anymore. We are champions of a forgotten age Jimi m'dear.

funny story, I never actually listened to bright eyes until i heard people on here talking about him. early death cab though... i think there is something to be taken from both though, and as you say, championed. let's plant the flag at the top of the hill. and we'll surely see the next one from there.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me