#1
venture from the shadow’s disguise
the sky gods are angry at the stab of lies
tiny rats running rapid, posed allies
crash into these translucent eyes
of mere vulnerable window panes
i fear my skin has been soiled and stained
smeared by a sabotage, dignity drained
would you like a glass of our finest pain?
imported from your devoted dedication
to a bleached infringing desperation
i witness the abduction with a face of blue
the sky gods are angry at all of you


I've very recently started attempting song writing. Some constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
#2
the only thing I didn't like was the attempted rhyme "lies - allies" I would've done something with "Lies - demise"
Apart from that I feel it was pretty good for a beginning attempt
My Soundcloud

My beginner rig:

Epiphone Goth G-400 SG
Line 6 Spider IV (Don't judge me, I was young and stupid)
Stagg SW203N
Yamaha APX500
#3
Not bad. I prefer something with a bit more, structure I guess you would say, when it comes to songs. Verse, chorus, verse; verse, verse, chorus, verse, etc. But that's just my personal preference. It was still pretty good though.