#1
This is a sparse acoustic song that will be going on my second album. It's the thirty-third song I've written. Lemme know what you think? I enjoy slant rhymes, so you're gonna have to deal with it.

33. Untitled

V1: There's a man down the road from me who says he's not so bitter about the war.
Though it took his sons from him, he says that's just what death is for.
Though bullets took his family, for pride and for country he says he rather likes to be alone.

V2: There's a girl down the street from me, who says she's not so angry with the sun.
Though every day it cheats on her by rising just the same for everyone.
She says that's okay, 'cause it's her door, that the rising sun is rising for, and she swears to god they're in love.

Chorus:
Maybe we're all broken, or maybe we're just scared. And I don't have the answers, but at least you know I care
Maybe it's some part of us that's scattered to the winds
Or maybe it's some part of us that'll never love again

V3: There's a man inside my mirror who says he's not so tired anymore.
Though every nights a sleepless one and no-one seems to ever keep him warm.
He says he's got a little spark hidden deep within his heart, and that little spark's enough for him.

V4: There's a girl staring back at me who says she's not so lonely after all.
Though all she's got is an old guitar, she says the music makes her tall.
She sits and plays a tune for you, her ringing notes ringing true, and she swears her notes are all you need.

Chorus:
Maybe we're all broken, or maybe we're just scared. And I don't have the answers, but at least you know I care
Maybe it's some part of us that's scattered to the winds
Or maybe it's some part of us that'll never love again
#4
Quote by player 42
This is a sparse acoustic song that will be going on my second album. It's the thirty-third song I've written. Lemme know what you think? I enjoy slant rhymes, so you're gonna have to deal with it.

33. Untitled

V1: There's a man down the road from me who says he's not so bitter about the war.
Though it took his sons from him, he says that's just what death is for.
Though bullets took his family, for pride and for country he says he rather likes to be alone.
I like the first two lines, I don't feel like the third one adds much.

V2: There's a girl down the street from me, who says she's not so angry with the sun.
Though every day it cheats on her by rising just the same for everyone.
She says that's okay, 'cause it's her door, that the rising sun is rising for, and she swears to god they're in love.
I love this.

Chorus:
Maybe we're all broken, or maybe we're just scared. And I don't have the answers, but at least you know I care
Maybe it's some part of us that's scattered to the winds
Or maybe it's some part of us that'll never love again
I hate to say "I love this" over and over, because it's not very constructive, but it's all I really have to say. I like your writing, and like the way this chorus kind of summarizes the rest of the song.

V3: There's a man inside my mirror who says he's not so tired anymore.
Though every nights a sleepless one and no-one seems to ever keep him warm.
He says he's got a little spark hidden deep within his heart, and that little spark's enough for him.


V4: There's a girl staring back at me who says she's not so lonely after all.
Though all she's got is an old guitar, she says the music makes her tall.
She sits and plays a tune for you, her ringing notes ringing true, and she swears her notes are all you need.
"The music makes her tall" seems like a fairly forced rhyme, and doesn't really add much to the stanza, in my opinion; it's not bad, but I think you could do better.

Chorus:
Maybe we're all broken, or maybe we're just scared. And I don't have the answers, but at least you know I care
Maybe it's some part of us that's scattered to the winds
Or maybe it's some part of us that'll never love again


Overall, this is a really well-written song. I especially love the second verse.

C4C? Links are in my sig.
#7
@herby190 Um, what exactly is a CVC? I don't forum much. Thank you for your review. The tall line being a fairly forced rhyme is the point. She's a young songwriting girl. Cheap rhymes are the stereotype, in my experience. I will agree that "he rather likes to be alone" is not a strong line, but it's an attempt to show his submission to the loss of his family. I'm glad you like the song! I like defending and working with my lines.
#8
Quote by player 42
@herby190 Um, what exactly is a CVC? I don't forum much. Thank you for your review. The tall line being a fairly forced rhyme is the point. She's a young songwriting girl. Cheap rhymes are the stereotype, in my experience. I will agree that "he rather likes to be alone" is not a strong line, but it's an attempt to show his submission to the loss of his family. I'm glad you like the song! I like defending and working with my lines.

C4C means critique for critique as in since he gave you advice on your piece, you do the same for him.