#1
In loving memory of someone I should have known better. Edits welcome.


The heart is
martyred by honesty
or it is
marred by deceit;
and mine has been
disfigured for far too long.

On a Friday afternoon
we got the news,
we’d have liked to say
he went too soon,
but we knew him better than that.
Instead, what we said
inside
where none could hear
there was more we could have done
and for two days I did not shed a tear.
I had a beer, or twenty, at his wake
the only thing any of us ever understood
in celebration or defeat
was how to drink
so I drank
and in the moonlight,
I cried
and spit and kicked
and told the only woman
I ever loved
to go **** herself
and I showed up
to the funeral
with vomit on my shoes.
I was selfish,
I was lying.
I wasn’t there.

Your father said it was murder,
we knew it wasn’t
but we needed to believe
because the guilt of someone else
alleviated our own
gave us a goal
where we cocked pistols
and said we’d get you,
we’d ****ing get you.

We shot twelve gauges late Sunday
into a pond, some sort of
South Texas 9 gun salute.

I still haven’t been to your grave
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t miss you
and it doesn’t mean
I don’t think of you
and it doesn’t mean
that I did all I could for you.
#2
i like this piece. is it a song or poem? the structure seems a little weird but that's probably just me. the second stanza is a lot longer than the rest. that's not a bad thing just an observation.

the whole piece is really strong and has no weak spots. the last stanza is good and ends the piece nicely.

sorry about your loss. guilt can be tough to deal with.

c4c?
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#3
This really has potential, but you got some weird wordings at times which staggers the continuous flow of this piece. Let me point out which one of these I think could be improved.

Quote by SunsetAlphabet

The heart is
martyred by honesty
or it is
marred by deceit;
and mine has been
disfigured for far too long.

On a Friday afternoon
we got the news,
we’d have liked to say - this staggers because of the way you phrase it. Say, if you would bring a personal line into this "and I would like to say" I think it would not only help with the flow, but also make a a better impact for the next line.
he went too soon,
but we knew him better than that.
Instead, what we said
inside
where none could hear
there was more we could have done
and for two days I did not shed a tear.
I had a beer, or twenty, at his wake
the only thing any of us ever understood
in celebration or defeat
was how to drink
so I drank
and in the moonlight,
I cried
and spit and kicked - maybe consider a revision here, but it's enjoyable to read out loud though, a bit to much of "and's" perhaps.
and told the only woman
I ever loved
to go **** herself
and I showed up
to the funeral
with vomit on my shoes.
I was selfish,
I was lying.
I wasn’t there.

Your father said it was murder,
we knew it wasn’t
but we needed to believe
because the guilt of someone else
alleviated our own
gave us a goal
where we cocked pistols
and said we’d get you,
we’d ****ing get you.

We shot twelve gauges late Sunday
into a pond, some sort of
South Texas 9 gun salute.

I still haven’t been to your grave
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t miss you
and it doesn’t mean
I don’t think of you
and it doesn’t mean
that I did all I could for you. - In my opinion, remove the "that" at the beginning of this line. But it works without it too.


Considering this, these are all nitpicks and could easily be fixed in my opinion, but that's up to you. I really enjoyed this.
#4
Before I start, I am writing only what I feel will make this flow and sound better. Nothing is intended to sound negative. I type my thoughts and suggestions as I read the work

The heart is
martyred in honesty I can see two lines down you have another "action" by "noun". Just to break the repetition, I think changing the first one to "in" may sound better.
or is it
marred by deceit;
and mine has been To me this is an awkward line. Off the top of my head, I cannot suggest a change. The first thing that comes to my mind would be to change what has been disfigured. Maybe your mind, or soul. What you could even do is change the last three lines to something like marred and disfigured; voices in the dark, deceit and defile flow wherein. Obviously you can think of something better, I am just trying to give you a different point of view you can look from
disfigured for far too long.
One thing to watch for when writing lyrics, is to keep I's, Me's and Mine's out. Words like these is what makes writing so fulfilling to the writer, but it's hard for the listeners to fill themselves into the song. Widening the view to more of the senses - such as touch, sight, smell - opens the song to more people. People will let the music fill their senses and they can live your music easier. Just a suggestion for further works.

On a Friday afternoon
we got the news, "Got" is SUCH an ugly word. I would avoid it as much as you possibly can. This would be a perfect chance to set the scene. To this point, we have no idea where you are, who you are, what the weather is like, or anything. You could say A call from the doctor to fill the setting in just a little more.
we’d have liked to say First rule to writing is to be grammatically correct. First rule to writing poetry/lyrics, write in long fluid sentences. This sentence sounds like something you would use when talking to your friends. Lyrics don't usually structure the same way you talk to your friends. I would replace this line to better flow with whatever you make the previous line to read
he went too soon,
but we knew him better than that.
Instead, what we said Another common-day line. It would be cool, if you used something like "voices in the dark" in the first stanza, then refered back to that here. Maybe even just re-using the same line. That would really bridge the first stanza into this story. Just my opinion
inside
where none could hear
there was more we could have done
Two days gone, I did not shed a tear.
I had a beer, or twenty, at his wake I would take it that your tradition is for an Irish Wake. Though I think a reference to that seems out of place. Not in any disrespect to your tradition, but unless you refer to it more than once, it's a dam in the flow
the only thing any of us ever understood
in celebration or defeat I like this line, but it could be better if you're willing to re-think how to word it. Maybe even add a syllable or two
was how to drink
so I drank
and in the moonlight,
I cried
and spit and kicked
and told the only woman
I ever loved
"to go **** yourself"
and I showed up Showed is another common-line word. Actions like this is really where you can build a climax and make every action dramatic and exhilarating. I won't even begin to suggest ideas for this. This is the one part of the whole work that really needs your special feeling. The one knob in your chest, use that to scream out a word that truly brings to life what you WANTED to do
to the funeral
with vomit on my shoes.
I was selfish,
I was lying.
I wasn’t there.
So the first stanza started the emotion (typically something played later in a song, but this works), and the second stanza has set the stage. One thing I would suggest, is to build the stage up a little more. Make the reader enthralled by the performance. I understand you write to get the feeling out of your chest, I do a lot of that writing. But taking the time and considering the little things is more important. You'll notice you start noticing the little in life as you live. You notice the sun shinning in a wider brilliance, and the sorrow shearing wider through your heart because you are looking at the way the sunlight reflects off the flowers, the warmth of the day, the fractured mirror in your heart after a friend betrayal. You'll notice you don't write with I's and Mine's quite as much. You spend more of your time describing the world you live in. Because only you live in that world, writing out what you see is the only way I (as the reader) can visit

Your father said it was murder,
we knew it wasn’t I don't intend to sound mean saying this repeatedly, but this is another common-line. To be honest, the ready doesn't care what you think you knew. If the emotion we're going for is deep guilt, dig deep and use your inner gnarled guilt to make me live it. Your tears fell to the ground or The blind man saw the whole thing
but we needed to believe
Swallowed in guilt of others
alleviated our own
gave us a goal
where we cocked pistols Aimed my eye
and said we’d get you, Cocks my head
we’d ****ing get you. Cloud of dust, and you're gone

We shot twelve gauges late Sunday
into a pond, some sort of
South Texas 9 gun salute.

I still haven’t been to your grave
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t miss you
and it doesn’t mean
I don’t think of you
and it doesn’t mean
that I did all I could for you.

I can see how this is really a piece written to relieve some feelings. Maybe with some second considerations for some of these lines, it can be a fun piece to start writing music for. I hope to see you writing more
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