#1
another aperture opportunity
derided by the rest
her eyes set to impunity
her hands upon her chest
she twists and turns and feverishly
marks her favourite pose
she knew, how could she not
her soul was HD when up close

my sides
ache for your niche
my lines
would fold on your edges
my sight
isn't so obvious
tonight
are we into perverse?

another rhetorical trick
a fringe flick, nervous twitch
her cheeks set to the temperature
of an orange setting moon
her hips contort in familiar ways
leaving ripples in the dunes

my sides
ache for your niche
my lines
would fold on your edges
time flies
when you're close to one
tonight
do we need to rehearse?

and it sounds like....

my sides, ache for your niche
are you the trickster or are you the treat?
my lines, would fold on your edges
hedging my bet that you'll fall of my ledges
time flies, when you're close to one
tonight, then I think we're done

another aperture opportunity
derided by the rest

Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 20, 2014,
#2
another aperture opportunity
derided by the rest
her eyes set to impunity
her hands upon her chest
she twists and turns and feverishly
marks her favourite pose
she knew, how could she not [this feels like an aside? it feels like it should be punctuated as such, but this is a little sing-songy and could maybe benefit the sonics of a first reading to be more clear at that moment. i'm not one to talk about punctuation, but you know.]
her soul was HD when up close['when' feels a bit awkward. I know it breaks the meter of the line to remove it. it's an okay line, but as far as further inspection goes, it doesn't really hold up to much scrutiny of how vision works and relates to high definition, so i suppose we then must put the poem/song in it's own world of pictures and accept it as being once or twice removed from the soul itself]

my sides
ache for your niche
my lines
would fold on your edges
my sight
isn't so obvious
tonight
are we into perverse?

another rhetorical trick
a fringe flick, nervous twitch
her cheeks set to the temperature
of an orange setting moon
her hips contort in familiar ways
leaving ripples in the dunes
[this is a kind of sexy stanza. it, for one visually imitates an orange moon, and i got a kick out of that. it also just passes by and digests very smoothly and suddenly, I am there]

my sides
ache for your niche
my lines
would fold on your edges
time flies
when you're close to one
tonight
do we need to rehearse?
['close to one' might not be the best wording. maybe there's a play with the time of night which could be fun, but the syntax mostly just runs into itself and 'one' doesn't really fit the tone, being almost pop song ish at this point, 'close to someone' seems the more likely phrasing. but then it becomes bland and if there is supposed to be a turn of phrase, it's gone, and out loud, that could work in some slightly disorienting way. it's a passable moment. just a weaker one that i'm not sure is worthy of repeating.
and it sounds like....

my sides, ache for your niche
are you the trickster or are you the treat?
my lines, would fold on your edges
hedging my bet that you'll fall of [off?] my ledges
time flies, when you're close to one
tonight, then I think we're done
i like this generally, but the 'close to one tonight' moment is still gonna require the right melody or rhythm or something applied to it for it to work for me. on the page it's a little lackluster
another aperture opportunity
derided by the rest
sort of an unsettling ending--it doesn't show quite enough redemption to fall to the pleasant/satisfied side of the phrase. maybe it could benefit from leaning further in that direction. I kind of like it.
i get the feeling that these are lyrics, and mildly wistful ones at that. they're typically solid, but i probably won't see myself coming back to them any time soon on the page, without some more life in them. they feel a bit predictable right now, which isn't bad, it's just not especially good.
At the beginning, maybe something more concrete, like we encounter in S3 would help us get into the first stanza a bit quicker. Maybe in the last line of it. I can't help but find the current line a little too trite and removing from the night, and it's otherwise present aura.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
It`s hard for me to understand english .

Dose't this song means her is ready to have SEX tonight ?