#1
Yesterday morning there was a knock at my door. A pleasant and enthusiastic young couple were there.
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the guts out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the guts out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "In this town, Hank is the same as good luck. All good things are attributed to Hank'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the guts out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the guts out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the guts out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the guts out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it plausible that it might be made of cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists don’t know everything, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind.


hahahaha get it??
Listen. I'm sorry.
#2
lol
Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
#3
lol?
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#6
I should ban you once for each second you made me waste reading that.
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LET'S GO BUCKS
#8
i don't....i don't even...

Quote by AeroRocker
I should ban you once for each second you made me waste reading that.


Please, i beg of you, do it.
#9
Genuinely thought this was going to be a Jehovah's Witness mock-thread or something, but this works.

So TS, are you going to join the cult?
#11
oh come on it's funny. I love "kick the guts out of you". I think I'm going to start saying it in real life. For real though I am at least kinda interested in a religious persons reaction to this.

Also, do some of you guys really not get what's going on there?
Listen. I'm sorry.
#12
Quote by vilk
oh come on it's funny. I love "kick the guts out of you". I think I'm going to start saying it in real life. For real though I am at least kinda interested in a religious persons reaction to this.

Also, do some of you guys really not get what's going on there?


The only thing a religious person would think is that you should have been the exception to their stance on abortion.
#13
yikes. tough crowd. I immediately thought this was funny when I read it like 2 or 3 minutes before posting it here.
Listen. I'm sorry.
#16
Quote by vilk
oh come on it's funny. I love "kick the guts out of you". I think I'm going to start saying it in real life. For real though I am at least kinda interested in a religious persons reaction to this.

Also, do some of you guys really not get what's going on there?

I am religious. My reaction is bored.
#19
Quote by AeroRocker
I should ban you once for each second you made me waste reading that.

Hank would kick the guts out of you like he was from Dayton.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#20
Quote by vilk
yikes. tough crowd. I immediately thought this was funny when I read it like 2 or 3 minutes before posting it here.


Those who didn't appreciate it are either:

1. Too busy to read your wall of text.

2. Religious people.

3. Tired of the anti-religious jokes on the pit.
#21
i'll admit, that amused me. but mostly because the person is getting told so aggressively to kiss someone's ass.
#23
Quote by AeroRocker
I should ban you once for each second you made me waste reading that.

Goddamn, crack that whip.
#24
Quote by Dregen
i'll admit, that amused me. but mostly because the person is getting told so aggressively to kiss someone's ass.

That's why I like it too.

I mean obviously it's an allegory, but I didn't really post it to rustle any jimmies, it's more of just the hilarious wording and ... well, I guess the allegory is pretty on target! heh.
Listen. I'm sorry.
#25
it dragged on a bit but yeah it was kinda funny.
i don't know why i feel so dry
#27
Quote by vilk
oh come on it's funny. I love "kick the guts out of you". I think I'm going to start saying it in real life. For real though I am at least kinda interested in a religious persons reaction to this.

Also, do some of you guys really not get what's going on there?

I gotcha OP, youre trying to get all neckbeardy on us, thats a real cool thing for you to do. thanks for doing that
banned