#1
The second set of lyrics I've written.
The first that I've finished the music for.
The only complete song I've written in 12 years of playing.

Chord progression: Am, C, G, Dmadd9
Noodle the transitions, each Chord is for each line

--------------------------------

Hung up
I'm Cut off
Just as they say
I had too much of a good thing

Hung up
I'm Cut off
Just as they say
I had too much of a good thing

There's nothin' wrong
With being alone
What'da they know?
They must have been stoned

And hung up
I'm cut off
Just as they say
I had too much of a good thing

There's nothin' wrong
With feeling so low
I think that's way
We discovered our souls

They're hung up
I'm cut off
Just as they say
I had too much of a good thing

If what came down
Were hanging up high
It could be watching us now
And we'd never see it die

It consumed just enough
Before we cut it down
It's soul was pure
And it told us how

I'm hung up
I'm cut off
Just as they say
I had too much of a good thing

Just empty your heart
Pour out your soul
Fill me with your sorrow
Now you're just a hole

No edge
Just empty
Poor soul
No longer whole
#2
Hung up
I'm Cut off
Just as they say
I've had too much of a good thing
I think it sounds good without "I've". But when singing, it might be easier to through that in

There's nothin' wrong
With being alone
What'da they know?
They must have been stoned
So I can see how you are trying to bring 'know' and 'stoned' to rhyme. But that line is very awkward to read. It sounds like you're trying to force it. Just a little change could make a big difference in the flow. There's nothing wrong, with being alone. Whispers and rumours, throwing stones

There's nothin' wrong
With feeling so low
I think that's way Typically lyric/poem writers try to stay away from "I think" phrases. It narrows down the work to reflect more of your thoughts and ego, rather than a scene the reader can read and live. I would suggest another verb line, similar to the following line.
We discovered our souls

If what came down
Were hanging up high
It could be watching us now
And we'd never see it die
I think the last line could use a little more flare, but it's not too bad.

It consumed just enough
Before we cut it down
It's soul was pure
And it told us how

Just empty your heart
Pour out your soul
Fill me with your sorrow
Now you're just a hole

No edge
Just empty
Poor soul
No longer whole

I really enjoyed your ending. You just have a few places where your writing gets dull and those places can slow the flow for the reader. It's always a good exercise to just sit down and write scenes and settings in as much details as possible, with as few words as possible. I can see you enjoyed writing this piece, and I can imagine it's fun to play. Keep up the good work
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
I'm glad the end was your favorite, the entire piece was actually based on the last two verses and a melody. The last line of the first three verses tie into the chorus so I couldn't budge much without sacrificing the piece entirely. It was definately like discovering a song, rather than writing one. As poetry, I think it is very dull. But when singing I emphasize differences in the way it's presented, although my voice isn't the greatest. Thanks for commenting!
#4
I love coming here and reading people's work but I am not that experienced but I am learning just like everyone else, right?

I think it is a great effort. I do think 24WildRovers is accurate in his changes.

I wonder if actually singing it if omitting the "I" in "I had too much of a good thing" would make sense. Just throwing it out there. Instead "Just as they say.... Had too much of a good thing" implying first person which is established already.

Also, between "know" and "stoned", my first thought was to use the term "blow" to give essence to the idea of being stoned.

What'da know?
Must have been high on blow

Again, just putting it out there. But please, it was a joy to read! Well done. I do enjoy the ending as well.
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