#1
You Told a Joke
-for Cory

False memories
and forgotten futures--
a lake at night,
the leaves unfurling
with steady wind,
littering the shore
with shreds
of newspaper in pale
dregs of pigment.
Rod cells, October,
the old mountain
drained of its color
like a warm southern
winter--the darkness
dulls even your
toenails, painted red
and chipping, you
always were a fun
girl, so we swim--
wade through the filter
of soft floating leaves
and lower ourselves,
cleaned, until our bodies
are submerged,
our hands holding
our shoulders up
awkwardly while we
crawl back through
time. Without color
the lake looks the same
as in the summer.
The ends of your hair
flatten on the surface
into a slick of silver
trailing your neck
like the train of a gown.
The mud moves gently
lower, loses the tips
of our fingers, while
your breaths grow
gently deeper,
and we lose our
decisiveness
and wait.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
That was.. nice. I get the feel this wasn't exactly meant for me to read (my name isn't Cory in any case), but then again is any piece of writing for anyone in particular? Some say it's for the writer and the writer alone. Others says other things.

While I'm not overly enamored with the short lines, and that huge sentence in the middle of the piece, it painted some lovely images. Just images mind. Like I said, I feel there's something I'm missing, but I'm not going to hold that against you.

That's just me.
#3
Hey man been a long time since I've done something like this, but I'll give you my thoughts as i go.

Quote by jiminizzle
You Told a Joke
-for Cory

False memories
and forgotten futures--
a lake at night,
the leaves unfurling
with steady wind,
littering the shore
with shreds
of newspaper in pale
dregs of pigment.

I like the setup. For me "false memories" makes me think that the whole thing may be an inaccurate representation of a time in your past. I had to look up "dregs", seems like your saying the trash took away from the beauty, I like that. May have interpreted it wrong though.

Rod cells, October,
the old mountain
drained of its color
like a warm southern
winter--the darkness
dulls even your
toenails, painted red
and chipping, you
always were a fun
girl, so we swim--

Had to look up rod cells as well, seems they take in the less intensive light for the eye, which works well with the draining of color. This makes the choice of red toenails interesting, as red is the most intense color. I feel the "like a warm southern winter" should be taken out, as it really doesn't add to the imagery you've already created and seems to confuse things for me at least, I dont know how they're related. Especially since later you says the lake looks like summer.

wade through the filter
of soft floating leaves
and lower ourselves,
cleaned, until our bodies
are submerged,
our hands holding
our shoulders up
awkwardly while we
crawl back through
time. Without color
the lake looks the same
as in the summer.
The ends of your hair
flatten on the surface
into a slick of silver
trailing your neck
like the train of a gown.

Wtf, why do you know what a train of a gown is?

The mud moves gently
lower, loses the tips
of our fingers, while
your breaths grow
gently deeper,
and we lose our
decisiveness
and wait.

I like the last line for sure. The rest is a bit lost on me, like the other guy said it's great imagery, but I do find it hard to find any personal meaning for me. That's no offense or anything, write for yourself and all that. But yeah, losing decisiveness and waiting is an interesting line. I think it pairs well with the "forgotten futures" in the beginning. Like maybe that lack of decisiveness caused the forgetfulness.


This was fun jimi, maybe I'll be back
#4
thanks mikey i was half joking when i said c4c making fun of how little i contributed but it means a lot to me that you went back and read and critiqued this. you make some really good points and i'll definitely have to think harder about this one.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Like looking at a mountain through a telescope. The short lines emphasize the way you play with words, and you play with them so well. Then a step back, the lens removed, and the whole great entity is finally seen, but with the memory of those little bits intact. Well done. One piece of criticism; amidst the flowing language the phrase "you always were a fun girl" seems a bit, I don't know, juvenile? Like something I know you could phrase better. It's especially jarring with the way it's broken up, amidst all these lines with beautiful language and images to think about, there's a gap of meh that to me breaks up the flow. Consider rewriting that phrase because I know you have it in you.
kill all humans